[ don't worry it doesn't make sense to anyone but gerard and even then, debatable. ]
Ah, yes-- I've been teaching myself swordsmanship lately. An ongoing project-- I made a promise to someone I would improve, and I found a few texts to guide me. Those are a few of my "mastered" forms, if you will.
Oh, well, maybe you could help me test a few of the forms. I mean, I've read about them all extensively, but the diagrams are confusing at times. Not very clear. And I no longer have the book with me for reference.
... Ah. Perhaps. I'm not sure. I don't know if we'll be able to meet again, or if it's even a good idea.
Sure! Though I'll warn you, I don't really know how to do things by the book - I was kind of just summoned already knowing how to wield myself...
[just sword boy things.
but also he tilts his head?]
Eh... Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up something sad right away. Mm... Well, if you want to see them, I hope you get to - even if it's complicated. I know that feeling too.
[i'm prepared to do this spiel ever game into eternity
he laughs a bit at that though, and places one hand over his chest]
This body was summoned by my Master in order to wield this body - [his free hand goes to rest on the hilt of his sword] - but I mostly remember being a blade for the past couple hundred years.
It's the human-seeming part I'm still getting used to.
[ okay but the nice thing about playing a fairy tale guy is that this makes total sense to him and he does not question it whatsoever. that's fine. ]
Oh. Yes. [ he does, actually, pull out his sword at this point. ] My sword also speaks, though it's been a bit quiet since our arrival. It also does not appear to be handsome, but what do I know.
[ he isn't quite sure himself how much he wanted to help as much as things just happened and he sort of got in the middle of it, but. sure. he'll accept that. ]
I don't know, I just thought-- Well. I don't think I was thinking much. I just did what I thought might help.
[ Gerard is so deeply confused by this he doesn't quite now what to do with it, he blinks and rubs at his eyes and looks over to where Buzen is looking. Does
because buzen's already trying to walk up, opening his mouth to try to get rin's(?) attention again. when he seems to hear something else and will just turn to face another direction entirely.
and he's just going to look back and forth between the two spots, expression getting more confused and frustrated
[ it's alright its distracting him from his own crisis such as the teen he wanted to protect from horrible things like the reality of death and erasure from your story and interrupted lives. this is at least something to concentrate on! hooray. ]
Um... The first one I followed in looked like he was... rushing for something. And then - one is looking through blankets right now. The one that's walking away, he's grumbling about his... mom...
[help. buzen shakes his head then, a little like a wet dog trying to get dry, as if that'll get all these voices and images out of his head.]
Yeah, but it's just - simple things. Day to day things. He's not upset or...
[about to be murdered. buzen blinks a few more times before he runs a hand through his hair and then tries to focus on gerard, gaze on him. he'll bow his head.]
... I'm sorry. This must - already be tough for you and I'm...
The truth can be-- a complicated thing to know, sometimes. But I won't say that I don't appreciate you telling me. You kept telling me, over and over, even if I did not want to believe what was frankly quite obvious.
his eyes widen at that and he's so quick to shake his head, the expression on his face turning to one that can only be called heartbroken]
Ge-san, please don't—I... I failed in a lot of places.
[and the emotion in clear in his voice before he goes to bend at the waist, bowing his head so deeply and obscuring his expression]
I knew. Since yesterday - but the rule says you can't make trial easy but... if it was just me, just my team, I would've broken it anyway but—it doesn't say that. So I couldn't. I wanted to say something, I tried to say something—
But I... wasn't good at it. I couldn't find the way to say it for so long, and it was still so frustrating for everyone. I'm so sorry.
... I don't think I can judge any failure to act. For a long time in my life, I did nothing as well. Stood by and let others do the work, take on the difficult and the terrifying work while I pretended it wasn't anything I needed to be concerned with. It's why I'm-- like this, in the end.
So, it sounds to me as if you tried. That is all anyone can ask.
[he looks so torn still - so upset at the idea of gerard not chewing him out. but he'll look up at that, worried and confused.]
... Ge-san, I don't...
[he'll reach out to touch gerard - slowly, like he's not sure, and giving gerard the option to pull away if he doesn't want a hand on his shoulder]
... Are you sure? I really feel like - I'd understand, if you want to be angry. I know how much you care about your team. I know that they're kids in your care.
Of course I'm angry. I'm-- So very angry. But not at you. Why bother? I suppose I'm angry with this place. With myself, for not catching onto it sooner. I'm a fool.
[ he doesn't exactly mind the hand but he's not entirely sure about it either, so he doesn't react much to it either way. ]
I think-- I guess I just think it should have been someone else here. Any of the others would have figured out something by now, I'm sure. Timothy or Rosamund would look out for them, Pinocchio and Pib are more clever by half.
... Elody is stronger and braver by far. But she's not here. So I'm the best they've got, and it's not very good.
[oh. his expression softens - and he nods, in understanding]
.... Kotegiri would've figured out a better way to say it. Matsu too, if he wasn't so hurt because of Thursday. All the other Gous are way smarter than me, and a ton more clever. I don't wish they were here, but I wish I picked up more from them.
But I don't think you're a fool, Ge-san. I think that you worked really hard, and investigated a lot of things for the people that you care about. And even if you think that what you didn't wasn't very good...
buzen's general Vibes are pleased but when he catches sight of gerard there's more or less just a burst of warmth - like he's happy to see him regardless of context.
[ his emotion is honestly a little surprised? he does not expect people to be happy to see him all that much, actually. ]
I was wondering if you were still interested in the instruction in swordplay and whatnot. As I said, I don't have my instructional book, and maybe this is a good time to catch up on practice and all.
[aw - buzen's a little gently amused and fond at the surprise, but it sure is an otherwise pleasant vibe of being excited to interact with gerard. it heightens actually, at the request]
Of course! I'd be happy to. We can find a place to do some sparring. You'll be among the best in no time, Ge-san, who can be better at swordplay than a sword, you know?
[this is so funny - but buzen will carefully reach out to guide gerard's arm up! he'll lean and give him a brief chomp on the forearm, definitely not hard, more of a brief indent of teeth.
and then he'll pull back with a grin]
I respect you a lot, Ge-san. I know you work really hard for people... and it takes a lot of courage to face up to things you haven't done well before. But I think that makes you one of the cooler people here - so I'm glad I've gotten to meet you.
[giving a reason for affection is not at all part of the rule but buzen figures it can't hurt... his feelings truly reflect his words]
buzen can rock the butler uniform its probably a good look. i hope he has some good emotional revelations after finding himself. gerard isn't too far, he isn't quite sure where to go or what to do yet, so. vibing.
for self-indulgent funsies, there's an odd sense sometimes that he's not ... quite as froggish as he was. maybe something about his frame is a little smaller, or his eyes are less protruding. his legs bend at a human angle. could just be a trick of the light though. ]
After dying twice? I've been better. But also worse?
[STOP NOT MY TYPO. also your funsies... buzen looks curious, but is not entirely sure how polite it is to bring up? regardless, he might be watching gerard even more intently as if trying to figure out if what he's seeing is right.
or maybe you just haven't seen a dude for a few weeks.]
... I don't know how to feel about you being worse but... I'm sorry.
[he winces, because he can't say that he's surprised but at the same time he's hardly pleased either.]
.... Ge-san. I know that there's no action that's going to be popular with everyone here, and I don't know if you want me to protect you from the consequences of what's been done.
[with the unspoken sentiment being that if he did, then buzen would.]
But just to make sure you hear it from someone today... I appreciate what you and Froggystyle are doing. What you have done. Even if it hurts to get there, I understand putting the end result ahead of everything else.
I know how hard it is. So I think you're very strong for doing it, even knowing all the pain that it carries.
[ he does sort of reach up to put a hand over his chest. it's been a lot of reminders of that lately. the sharp cut of an aerosword. a firey, burning weapon. a glass shard through the heart.
but he frowns when buzen suggests having to protect him - not because he doesn't appreciate it, but ... no. he doesn't want that. if they're angry, they can be angry with him. he'd told the others on his team that much. it is his duty to carry that weight, and its theirs to keep moving forward. ]
It's not heroic, or anything. And I think Fukuzawa is right, I'm-- a coward, with weak moral fiber. The Reapers told us that to bring back Rin, we'd have to win, and kill at least one person.
I spoke to Aika and told myself that I was just tired of sitting on my lilypad. Waiting for a rescuer. That's how I lost Elody. That's how I lost everything. But I think the truth is that I panicked. At least with Shenhe. Ylfa was going to kill, she's so goddamn brave, and I couldn't just let her be the one who has to be brave for us. Again. So I thought I could beat her to it. I'm a bit ... expendable on the team. Someone was going to come after me eventually. I could do something while I'm still here.
And then we got away with it. And we figured out the more points we had, the more people we could get out, and it'd just be-- I don't know. It felt like a waste to not keep trying. They told us to be prepared to have to make choices. We'd started too late, there would never be a way to get enough points. And so we made the decision. Keep going. They can be angry and alive instead of erased and feeling nothing. But maybe that's just because I'm justifying this to myself. Hurting other people for the people I care about most.
It's the kind of monster you have to be to survive in this world.
No, it's not heroic. But I don't think it's cowardly either. And I don't think you're expendable. It's not that I'm trying to make you feel better—well, I'd like it if you did but it's not just that—
... but killing to protect the many is something I understand well. Maybe it is a little monstrous. But maybe monsters will get more done than chivalry will.
[and because a memshare can do better to explain this than buzen saying anything, this is when a pig rolls around sorry to make you watch sword musical
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
[ he does just. seem to accept this memory. it's nothing so horrifying, compared to some of the things he's seen. it just makes him sad for Buzen, to have to live with it. the weight. ]
[this sword has trauma but so much of it is concentrated and can be shared in a later memshare painpong if you so wish - but for right now, he just nods....
and he'll put a hand on gerard's shoulder, still aiming for comforting]
... I do.
And it's why I want to make sure your heart's still intact, even if you feel guilt for what you've had to do. Maybe because you feel it.
Maybe we're just both people trying to justify our choices to ourselves... but everyone has to do that everyday. Especially here. I don't want you to have to carry this weight alone, or bear the burden of everyone's anger by yourself.
[ he really isn't sure what he's done to deserve being around all of these people - kind, and brave, and forgiving. it feels ridiculous.
It’s been a long day of killing spiders. After the battle, you decide. Maybe you should say something. You go to Ylfa, and pull her aside.
“Listen, some of the things that you were saying during the battle and kind of pre-battle, just, you're- during the battle and kind of pre-battle, just, you're-“
“Forgive me. Am I in trouble?”
“No, no no no. You're not... You're not in trouble. You're not a monster.’
“Oh. I very much so appreciate that, Gerard, but I did blow my family away, and in this timeline, I killed a huntsman. And actually, you're right. I mostly took damage down there, so that was not as monstrous.”
“Yes, but I mean, do you…” You gesture over to Little Miss Muffet, picking at some food, her spidery jaws working nervously, small human hands tearing apart a piece of bread. “Do you blame Goldilocks for what happened when she was a spider?”
“No, but I do notice the way that people are scared of her and they treat her differently. I'm aware. I see it. I get it. I mean, you obviously must know. There's a reason that you're trying to still be a prince, right? I mean, you're kind of in a similar situation, right? You were a frog, and then you got to be a prince, and now that you're a frog again, all you want to do is be a prince. And your Elody, if Elody had a spider for a face, would you have fallen in love with her?”
“You know, yes, I think I would have.”
“… I’m sorry, am I talking back too much?”
“No, you're not talking back at all. Listen, you actually are quite different from me, because when I was a kid, I was very, um, I was very selfish and I was very rude, believe it or not, and that's why I was cursed to be a frog in the first place. and that's why I was cursed to be a frog in the first place. And you're... You're very much not that. You take care of these people around you, and when I want to run away, you're always... You stand up to people, and I know that everything that's happening is very scary, but I think that maybe these are the people that we need to be to survive in this world.”
“Don't you just kind of wish that the person that you needed to be to survive in this world was a handsome prince?”
“Yes, very much so.”
There’s a long pause, an awkward silence.
“So, you know, I can, I'm accepting my station, but I'm trying to make peace with it, too. That feels like the next step, right? You got to accept it before you embrace it.”
“Yes, but I will add, Red, that, I don't know, thinking back on it now, when I fell in love with my wife, I was a frog then. She would... She would-“ “She loved you for more than how far you could hop?” - You laugh. “Yes, yes, yes. She... And back then, I didn't have sort of the princely things to rely on and I think maybe, maybe I was a little bit more interesting and thoughtful.”
“Whoa, really? You think that you were more interesting when you weren't a prince? That's crazy. I feel like all the stories are about princes and princesses.”
“Well, they usually stop once the person becomes a prince or a princess, don't they?”
“That's true, I would say what I just saw you do down there with that spider was way more interesting than any story I've read about a prince.”
“Well, thank you. Elody, my wife, did things like that. She's very brave, but … “
“Can I ask you, what did you love about her? You said you'd love her even if she had a spider for a face, so you must have loved something else about her.”
You’d think it’d be harder, to think of the things you loved about her now. You have sets of memories of the wonderful life you lived with the Princess Elody, but this world, the attack from Snowhold was so much more violent, the losses so much greater. You remember seeing Elody astride a blood-soaked horse, her eyes wide with battle rage, huge, golden mace overhead. You remember Elody, dress dirty, standing at the edge of the pond, golden ball in her hands and smiling at you.
“Well, I suppose she was always very adventurous and rebellious, and she would clash with her parents, and she would run off into the woods and talk to me. I just found her fascinating, sort of her rebellious spirit, and then sort of once we got together finally, maybe I got too complacent or comfortable. …. So, I didn't mean for this to turn into you having to... You're not a monster, is what I'm saying.”
“Oh no, I mean, I just was curious, so I asked, 'cause I don't know what makes people fall in love with each other.” She pauses to think. “I’m pretty sure I loved my grandma … ?”
“Yeah.”
“But that's different. Okay, sure. I don't think I'm to that stage of the change yet.”
“But you don't have to make the same mistakes that I did by sort of rejecting the changes that you're making, because then you could end up going back. That's all I wanted to say.”
“Okay. Well, thank you, Gerard.”
“Of course.”
“I’ll think about it. I'll really think about it. I'll give it a good noodle. That's what Grandma used to call it when we have to think about something that we're undecided about.”
[ . . . ah. after the memory ends, buzen brings a hand to his chest, over his own heart, an automatic reaction to when he feels that pain there.]
.... we'll get you back to her soon, Ge-san. You and her, and Rin back to Haru-san.
Then maybe... I hope you can find a way to be able to have a more peaceful time together, where you don't have to be pushed so roughly just to survive.
[ HE. WAS BUSY DYING AND DIDN'T KNOW THAT. mortifying. partially because its just a very ... harsh picture of himself. letting two children die for him only to pathetically end up killing himself in the struggle too. having to force himself to be brave enough to act. it seems darkly ironic that everyone got a clear image of it in the moment where he'd decided he had to die for two kids instead of the other way around this time.
but, as for Buzen's question. Hm. What are the four most important words? ]
No. That was quite a while ago, actually. [ ... ] I came back. The Fairy with Turquoise Hair put me into another story. Worse.
[ . . . oh. buzen nods first, before he tilts his head, wondering again about the timeline of things, and the nature of gerard and ylfa's world. some part of him is almost relieved to know that that wasn't the end of his story, even if now he finds himself wondering more and more about what the rest of it was. but it's a little hard to ask someone for their whole life story, isn't it]
You really hate this form huh, Ge-san.
[a little softly in reflection. though he'll at least mention]
... Though I do think you look a bit different now, since the last I saw you.
[ funnily he kind of does doesn't he? it's almost like everyone basically saw the memory where he killed the fairy godmother that actually laid the curse on him. so maybe that magic isn't quite as binding as he'd like to believe. that he actively turns more froglike when he imagines himself to be, so the reverse might be true enough as well.
he actually does a sort of laugh at both of those statements - not like meanly. just kind of amused at his own constant shitfit about being a frog, and the idea that he could possibly look any different. but kind of defensively:]
I really was just as handsome as you or Matsui, you know. [ i dont know about THAT. fairytale handsome is different from sword handsome, but ] ... I don't actually hate it. Or, I do. It's -- every day I wake up, and get to see the proof that I fucked up. I ruined true love and I'm still unworthy of it. And it's hard not to see that and hate myself, this form, knowing what it means.
But I think it's made me a better person? I'm stronger. Physically and all. [ a bit of a dark laugh. ] People asked how anyone could possibly beat Shenhe in a fight, and I can tell you that as a Prince I wouldn't have been able to make it three seconds against her. I wouldn't have survived this long without it. And it makes me try harder. People treat you very differently when you're handsome and when you look like a monster. Or I guess see you for what you say, what you do, without the idea that if you're a handsome prince you must surely be good on some level. So, um, in a lot of ways, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I don't like myself a great deal, but at least I know myself now. I don't think I knew him at all, before I started turning back, because I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about it all ever again.
[ `Maybe you were just aware that no matter what you did for the rest of your life, the story people were going to tell about you was that there was a period of years where you were a frog.`
anyway the thing about memshare week (memshare week forever!!!!) is that he doesn't have to ask about his life story if he wants a lil tasty memory snack.]
[there are ways that buzen understands, and ways that he doesn't. to him, a body is just a body. he has an understanding of beauty that is different from humans, but he can at the very least grasp that yes - people will treat you differently based on what they think you are. why are swords summoned to look like people? why are they given these human hearts? he was asked once, to be the bridge between what is human and non-human. he's still trying to figure out what that means for him.
but he'll start with taking gerard's hand in his, heedless of the form it's in. it's still a perfectly fine hand to hold.]
.... I'm not quite a blade, but I'm definitely not a human. Sometimes I worry that we deceive people - well, I know that we do. Even when we got here, Matsu and I were just starting to tell people for the first time... and I kept worrying that I'd scare somebody. That they'd see me as a weapon - which I am - but it feels like... I'm not just a weapon anymore. Maybe I never was.
But at least for me... it was nice, when people saw me for all that I am. That I wasn't keeping some important part of mine hidden away. I know you don't have as much of a choice in the matter, and maybe it's a rough reminder... but I hope you at least get the feeling that when people see you for all that you are, they like every part. The prince part, the cursed part, the strong part, and the sad part. It's all Ge-san.
At least for me - I like you. [said not in an particularly dramatic way, but rather a statement of fact] And maybe I don't know you as well as you know yourself yet but... based on everything I do know, I like you. So even if I don't know much about what makes love true... You should know that you are worthy of care and love. People can and will still know you as you are, and love you as you are.
[ all of this is A Lot. but starting from the first thing he says, he gets that. There will never be a time when Buzen is perceived as fully human, because on some level he isn't. The difference is maybe that he started as a sword, and became more human as time wore on.
but you know he gets his hand held (its like. weirdly much drier than normal.) and told that's worthy of love and immediately does have to pull his hand back so he can scrub at his face. frogmotions. i don't know if frogs can cry, but you know. maybe. ]
... Thanks, Buzen. I don't think I've had many friends before, and now I look around and apparently I've got a few of them, and all it took was having to kill a bunch of people.
[ he’s kind of always slightly surprised by how thoughtful everyone here is, including buzen. it’s weird!! and also incredibly nice. he’ll take it and try it. ]
Thank you—- it’s very nice of you. I didn’t know swords made so much tea, but I’m learning quite a bit today.
I don’t think we ought to keep the team from him. I already spoke to Lambda some, and I don’t ... think I have any right to take her story from her, about who did that to her.
But I think we should consider letting me take the blame entirely for the things that ended with him scapegoated. It would be easy to pretend it was me alone. And then if he does choose to lash out, it will have a focus.
[he nods along... well, if gerard is talking to the others involved, buzen feels like he can't really have that strong of an opinion on it. it's not really his place.
there's still something that bugs him about it, though.]
If that's what you want, then I won't say otherwise.
... but do you ever think that you're a little too quick to take all the blame on yourself, Ge-san?
[ he hasn’t spoken to fukuzawa about it yet, but he thinks that might actually be the biggest hurdle. he doesn’t imagine he’ll be a fan. ]
I don’t know. Maybe. [ he’ll be honest that he knows he’s trying to jump on a grenade here that might not even explode but. ] I never have in the past. I’ve never taken the blame for anything, always tried to blame outside forces. My curse, the fairies, the war, destiny itself.
I know... You mentioned it. So I get it, when you feel like that there's something you have to atone or correct for. Maybe what you're doing is the right path...
[but buzen shrugs, letting his gaze flick up to the sky in thought]
Or if you're too quick to fall on your own blade, you might not realize people don't want you to. It's hard to say.
... I don't know. Tell the truth? Make everyone take responsibility for what they did?
Froggystyle might've framed him, but Fuku-sensei was the one who told him not to share information for some weird reason and then Si-san's the one who went out and killed him for an even weirder reason. Hot Mess is the one who took the fall anyway, so...
You can apologize and say you regret what you did. It might not be good enough for him. But if the price he asks you to pay to make it even is too high, that's not your fault.
[ yeah, this does sort of prove to him that buzen is just a much better person and/or sword than he is, but it’s ... inspiring, at least. if he can manage a fraction of this ability to be honest it might be a good thing. ]
We’ll see what I’m able to make myself do in the end about it. I don’t know that I have that kind of backbone, but— I’ll try.
Think of it less as backbone and more that... well, everyone needs to pick up their share of the weight. Things like this are rarely just one person's fault.
[he'll just pat gerard's shoulder]
I'm on the outside, so it might be easier for me to say whatever I want about it. But whatever you choose... I'll root for you.
[ buzen is a simpleton but he says it all so confidently and coolly that gerard’s man crush is getting so bad. he just thinks buzen is the most reliable guy on the planet and thats what obviously makes him attractive (to other people) (not him) (unless ........... ) ]
In my experience you can plan these conversations as much as you want and then whatever happens, happens. It’s beyond my control at this point.
[ look maybe post defroggy and post full divorce he can have a hot frog summer but right now this is the depressed guy wandering ikea phase ]
I guess to your point then I’ll be honest with you, everyone is speaking as if Simon gets one “free shot” on me, so to speak, and I can’t say that I’m actually totally on board with this great idea where I have to sit here all night and think about dying horribly.
If people are saying that, it's probably just because they have a different threshold of violence. You're not even the one who killed him... You can defend yourself if you want to.
Just put him to sleep if he comes at you - like you did Shen-san. It doesn't have to hurt.
[it takes buzen a long, long while to put himself back together and even hours later, he's not sure he's fully recovered. but he feels like he's regained his mind... enough. just enough for him to do something important.
so he goes to approach gerard, wherever he is - though he also notably does not have his sword at his side or any gloves on his hands. he's dressed down, as comfortably civilian as possible.
(all things that could be used to hurt someone are gone as if that'd stop buzen from trying to crush someone with his bare fists but it's the thought that counts maybe)]
... Ge-san.
Are you - healed? All the way?
[so awkward for buzen to stand there being offered heals but knowing he didn't need them but also not encouraging gerard to get any because he thought he still had to kill a dude]
[ gerard is just watching the screens outside at some point, searching through them and apparently not finding what he’s looking for, but he’ll look over once Buzen speaks to him.
he does take a brief once over to look for his sword, sorry about it. anyway, his chest isn’t actively bleeding anymore and doesn’t seem like it’s about to kill him, though he’s moving a little stiffly which might suggest that he is not actually healed all the way. but he also didn’t ask. ]
[when he catches gerard's eyes glance for his sword, buzen matches by raising his hands up, palms open. nothing he can use to hurt him. even still, he doesn't close the distance between them any further.]
... you should still get healed. Let me know if you want Lam-san to get you, I'll pay her fee since it's my fault.
[so much of that unnecessary pain at the end was his fault. his expression shutters closed for a moment before he faces gerard again]
I don't expect forgiveness. But I do want to say I'm sorry - and short of killing me, because I made a promise... you can ask for whatever you want in return.
[ he looks a little ashamed when buzen shows him his hands. he doesn’t want him to feel guilty about it, or anything, he’s just sort of a wimp. ]
It really isn’t terrible. Hard to think you’re in a loop if you stay injured, right? Those types of things wouldn’t stay.
[ but, uuuuuh. shaking his head so quickly at the offer. ]
You don’t need forgiveness - you already have it. You really don’t have anything to apologize for. [ long lasting grudges aren’t really his thing. slow-burning anger isn’t his sin. if he’s angry it’s quick and hot and passes pretty harmlessly in the end. ] You weren’t of your own mind. I think I’m the one that should be apologizing. I— we could have looped again. Figured out some other way with you and Nahida. And I’m the one that tried to destroy it.
[ . . . hmmm. buzen crosses his arms in thought at that, tilting his head. there's a look of understanding on his face, but there's something a little disquieted too, now that he's had a chance to talk to both nahida and gerard]
... then "you don't need forgiveness - you already have it". Those were the words you used, right? I'll borrow them too, if that's okay.
Everyone was tired of the loops. Nahi-chan was frustrated, and we could only stand losing our friends and each other so many times. Each one hurt. It was a tough way to end it... but it ended. So maybe you're the reason we were even able to get out of there, Ge-san.
... even though I imagine it's hard to sit with what happened... You aren't the bug, Ge-san. You're not an existence that destroys others.
[ ... maybe it's character growth that instead of just arguing with everything buzen is saying from the forgiveness to the belief that gerard is probably not an existence that destroys others, he's really quiet for a long, long moment.
the thing about seeing elody again is a good reminder of the fact that he never really listened when she told him things either, and that maybe hearing other people when they tell you things is something he should try to be doing. ]
I-- [ he wipes at his face. ] Okay. Yeah. I think I know that. I do know that.
[ or at the very least, he doesn't think he'd ever try to do it again. ]
[he nods... and then will go to cross most of the distance between them slightly when he sees gerard wiping at his face. he'll crouch in front of him, still just a little more than arm's length]
... I'll keep reminding you when it gets hard to remember. Nahi-chan will too. We're not mad at you.
You've been working hard the entire time you've been here to try to be someone else - to protect people instead of being protected.
[ he'll just reach over and sort of. pat buzen on the arm. partially to show he's not skittish around him. it's alright. you stab a guy once and maybe that just makes you closer. ]
Sometimes it's hard to describe, right? Like, why do you love Matsui? You probably just knew. [ how do you talk about true love. ] When we met, she was a rebellious princess who ignored her wards and fought with castle guards to run into the woods to talk to a frog. She never cared what people thought of her, or what they wanted her to be, she was going to do exactly as she liked. She was fascinating and ferocious and angry and brave, and she was my friend. She saved me. I think for a long time, we had each other in a very isolated world.
[ digging his nails into his own arm for a second (did he used to have those?) and then letting go. letting out a breath he was pretty sure he'd been holding since all of this started. ]
I've been thinking about that.
[ which is also an improvement, in this answer, which used to be I don't know that I will ever see her again. ]
I think, if we can- maybe choose to go back a little while, I could change some things. Not mess it up so badly. Tell her that I'm her friend, first and foremost, forever, and I don't need her to save me or drag me out of the pond. That I'll really be okay on my own. Or-- You know. With other people to rely on too.
[buzen has strong feelings about trying to change things - but he hopes the rules for gerard's world are different. just based on shared memories, he can't help but feel like they probably are. so instead he just listens without judgment, and he'll just gently squeeze the hand underneath his own]
I hope you can tell her. Whether it's going back, or moving forward - I hope that you find a way to tell her everything that you want to.
For Matsu and I... I was summoned knowing that there are people I belong beside. Him, and the rest of the Gous. Even if I didn't know what to call it - whether it's love or something else - I know that I'm meant to be next to them. No matter what everything else looks like.
It probably looks different for you and Elo-san. But... I like the idea that there are people we're meant to find and meet. One way or another. However things turn out.
[ where are we. void. the local eggslut. idk either way gerard is just coming to find buzen after The Thing. he still has his sign that says fuck on it!! ]
What do you think? Optimistic? Certain doom? Something in between?
[ it's fine, he was told it has Power but also fully believes Anthy was yanking his chain but he can't leave it behind on the off-chance she was not Fucking With Him. ]
I wouldn't say worried. [ thinks. ] I suppose it's a bit like worrying if you will explode at any moment. If you do, it's not like you can do anything to stop it. So having a worry about it doesn't help at this point.
Hmm... then I hope that you can build new habits that let you have more confidence soon, Ge-san.
You're really different from when we first met, you know? And not just talking about appearances. You give me a lot of hope, for how people can change in just a few weeks.
[what is buzen if not the most direct person in the room, but his vibes are truly just warm and appreciative. a little amused.]
It's kinda funny that you're so surprised about it....
But yeah. Of course. I know that the path you've taken to get here hasn't been easy, and has actually in fact been pretty painful... but you've come out of it stronger and kinder.
[ the emotion is objectively he thinks buzen is the coolest fucking guy and there's nothing else to that don't examine it further
but also just like, extremely grateful. ]
I, um. [ wrow. ]
Thank you. [ sorry he sort of. laughs. because he did kill people. but so has buzen for his own reasons and he guesses if anyone would know it's probably him. ] I mean, it's in no small part thanks to your help and everything ...
[ yeah he will just be having like. leftover mcflurry from the wolf-cake. ]
Okay, I suppose. I mean. We did see Ruby die earlier, and then tomorrow we will have to say goodbye, and that is not a great feeling. I-- Honestly didn't think we'd make it this far.
[their wolf-blorb cake.... buzen just nods at that, some of his cheerfulness fading to reveal the more somber line of emotions underneath.]
I'd say it's what we worked pretty hard for.... but it's like Ylfa-san said, having to make all these choices and be aware of what it means. I feel bad about Ruby-san still... but I think this is the consensus we all agreed to.
Mind if I catch you to say something before we part ways?
I think I ought to tell people that chances are we're probably never going to meet again, just because of what Matsu and I are... and what we do. If I see someone again, it probably means something bad.
[the way buzen is truly ex-catholically praying on every star that he will never see the frees again]
So even though everyone is hoping to keep in touch, I don't know if he and I will be able to—but that's the usual. I'm used to saying goodbye. I'm just glad I get to decide how I do it this time.
Before I go... I just wanted to say I'm glad I've met you, and I'll be remembering you and Ylfa-san for the rest of my existence. I'll wish you luck on where you go next, but hope you don't lose heart about your own capacity for change and how capable you are.
[ the way this whole tag is destroying me emotionally but also making me think that if the gous ever see the frees again then something has gone so terribly wrong in the swimming world ]
[ anyway i think he's kind of too stunned to say anything and instead he just sort of steps forward and hugs him, which is like. the first time he's ever done this of his own volition to someone who isn't a crying teen. ]
[buzen is extra terrified of the people who live in japan because the possibility of them being summoned to that time period is real and horrible
but regardless, buzen will just look a little surprised before he just immediately brings gerard into his arms for a hug!! his embrace is still soooo warm and comfortable, truly the most ridiculously cozy hugs ever]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
WEEKEND ZERO - SATURDAY
[ he is just blatantly looking at the profiles, comparing them to the people he's seeing around, but this one seems particularly pleasing. ]
Another enthusiast of the art of swordplay!
THIS SHITPOSTKLSDHF
Prince-san! Are you familiar with the blade too? Ah, I didn't really understand your profile - but it probably just flew over my head, haha.
[sometimes you know you're a dumbass,]
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Ah, yes-- I've been teaching myself swordsmanship lately. An ongoing project-- I made a promise to someone I would improve, and I found a few texts to guide me. Those are a few of my "mastered" forms, if you will.
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Maybe by the time that you get back to the person you made the promise to, you'll be an expert!
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... Ah. Perhaps. I'm not sure. I don't know if we'll be able to meet again, or if it's even a good idea.
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[just sword boy things.
but also he tilts his head?]
Eh... Sorry, I didn't mean to bring up something sad right away. Mm... Well, if you want to see them, I hope you get to - even if it's complicated. I know that feeling too.
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Ah, sorry - wield... yourself?
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he laughs a bit at that though, and places one hand over his chest]
This body was summoned by my Master in order to wield this body - [his free hand goes to rest on the hilt of his sword] - but I mostly remember being a blade for the past couple hundred years.
It's the human-seeming part I'm still getting used to.
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Oh. Yes. [ he does, actually, pull out his sword at this point. ] My sword also speaks, though it's been a bit quiet since our arrival. It also does not appear to be handsome, but what do I know.
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Haha, it may also be that he's just young...
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[ hes kinda annoying. ]
He ... sings. It's not a great voice. But also can tell the truth and such?
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[he'll just bow in response]
Eh? Only the truth? Whoa...
W0 - FRIDAY
[ so awkward. wow! someone died. ]
Did you see the, ah, fire and all?
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Ah - no... was I meant to?
week zero saturday
buzen is walking rather than running around after trial, and he raises a hand in greeting when he catches sight of gerard wherever he is]
Yo, Ge-san. Feeling okay?
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Oh-- Yes? I think so. I don't know. It's been a very strange day, and I'm not sure what I'm feeling yet.
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buzen's own expression softens a bit at that, and he nods in understanding]
Mm. Emotions are tough as is, but talk about putting us in a complicated situation. I'm glad you're safe though, and you're not hurt anymore.
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And I'd like to remember how much you wanted to help. 'cause I thought that was pretty cool and kind of you.
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[ he isn't quite sure himself how much he wanted to help as much as things just happened and he sort of got in the middle of it, but. sure. he'll accept that. ]
I don't know, I just thought-- Well. I don't think I was thinking much. I just did what I thought might help.
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Sometimes following impulse is all you can do, right?
week 1 friday
Rin-san! Wait, Rin-san, wait up...!!
[and he's just going to be looking like he's - chasing after someone? but there's definitely no one there.
give me a location alli this is about to get trippy]
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ikea? gerard went back to try and look again I guess. I'm losing it. ]
Buzen ... ?
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buzen won't stop running but he will glance over his shoulder briefly - ] Ge-san, can you get him to stop?!
[except that's when buzen does stop and blinks a few times, looking past gerard to somewhere over his shoulder]
Eh? Rin-san? How did you... Oi oi, this isn't the time to be looking at blankets, hey—
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does he see anything? ]
I don't understand--
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because buzen's already trying to walk up, opening his mouth to try to get rin's(?) attention again. when he seems to hear something else and will just turn to face another direction entirely.
and he's just going to look back and forth between the two spots, expression getting more confused and frustrated
then looking back to gerard - ]
Ge-san, you don't.... see him?
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Buzen.
[ he isn't sure how to break this news, actually. ]
Rin has been erased. They announced it earlier.
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[does he? he still looks like he's Buffering and looking back to the. empty space.]
But he's there. [
gestures to the other empty space - ] And there. And I was following him in here—
What's... going on?
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You're-- You can see him?
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[though now he sounds less sure, like he's aware he's not supposed to. this poor frog is having to deal with a sword in crisis.]
But I... He's not responding to me. And there's - more than one of him. [he glances off in another direction,] Though one is walking away now...
What's...
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I-- Okay. Where he is going? What is he doing?
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Um... The first one I followed in looked like he was... rushing for something. And then - one is looking through blankets right now. The one that's walking away, he's grumbling about his... mom...
[help. buzen shakes his head then, a little like a wet dog trying to get dry, as if that'll get all these voices and images out of his head.]
But - none of it's real?
Right?
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I don't ... think so. You're seeing things that I cannot.
[ swallowing heavily. this is. distressing! ]
He's speaking about his mother?
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[about to be murdered. buzen blinks a few more times before he runs a hand through his hair and then tries to focus on gerard, gaze on him. he'll bow his head.]
... I'm sorry. This must - already be tough for you and I'm...
[making more of a mess of it]
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It's nothing you've done, surely. I don't know. Maybe it means something. It can't be a coincidence?
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[he'll raise his head then and - his eyes flick elsewhere - before he just focuses back on gerard.]
... but - until we figure out what... I'm still sorry you've lost a teammate. Do you - need help with anything? Can I do anything for you?
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[ they're just kids? people are taking care of them, so that's good, but. ]
I'm trying to find out as much as I can. I know it's pointless, but they aren't in any state to, and someone should-- so it's my duty.
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[he nods along with that, understanding. and then he'll just reach out to place a hand on gerard's shoulder]
I know I'm not at my best today but - I want to help.
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I don't think anyone is at their best today. I wouldn't hold that against you.
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but he manages a smile, a weak one but it's sincere]
I appreciate that. Then direct me wherever you want me to go, and I'll be there.
W1 - SATURDAY
... You told me, about the vision you were seeing. First thing.
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I did, because I saw it. That was true, Ge-san.
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The truth can be-- a complicated thing to know, sometimes. But I won't say that I don't appreciate you telling me. You kept telling me, over and over, even if I did not want to believe what was frankly quite obvious.
So I owe you some gratitude.
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oh no
his eyes widen at that and he's so quick to shake his head, the expression on his face turning to one that can only be called heartbroken]
Ge-san, please don't—I... I failed in a lot of places.
[and the emotion in clear in his voice before he goes to bend at the waist, bowing his head so deeply and obscuring his expression]
I knew. Since yesterday - but the rule says you can't make trial easy but... if it was just me, just my team, I would've broken it anyway but—it doesn't say that. So I couldn't. I wanted to say something, I tried to say something—
But I... wasn't good at it. I couldn't find the way to say it for so long, and it was still so frustrating for everyone. I'm so sorry.
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So, it sounds to me as if you tried. That is all anyone can ask.
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... Ge-san, I don't...
[he'll reach out to touch gerard - slowly, like he's not sure, and giving gerard the option to pull away if he doesn't want a hand on his shoulder]
... Are you sure? I really feel like - I'd understand, if you want to be angry. I know how much you care about your team. I know that they're kids in your care.
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[ he doesn't exactly mind the hand but he's not entirely sure about it either, so he doesn't react much to it either way. ]
I think-- I guess I just think it should have been someone else here. Any of the others would have figured out something by now, I'm sure. Timothy or Rosamund would look out for them, Pinocchio and Pib are more clever by half.
... Elody is stronger and braver by far. But she's not here. So I'm the best they've got, and it's not very good.
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.... Kotegiri would've figured out a better way to say it. Matsu too, if he wasn't so hurt because of Thursday. All the other Gous are way smarter than me, and a ton more clever. I don't wish they were here, but I wish I picked up more from them.
But I don't think you're a fool, Ge-san. I think that you worked really hard, and investigated a lot of things for the people that you care about. And even if you think that what you didn't wasn't very good...
I think sometimes, you're still what we need.
W2 - MONDAY
[ good morning. wherever we are, it doesn't matter. outside somewhere. ]
I've been meaning to ask you something ...
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buzen's general Vibes are pleased but when he catches sight of gerard there's more or less just a burst of warmth - like he's happy to see him regardless of context.
and then: curiosity!]
Yeah? What's up, Ge-san?
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I was wondering if you were still interested in the instruction in swordplay and whatnot. As I said, I don't have my instructional book, and maybe this is a good time to catch up on practice and all.
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Of course! I'd be happy to. We can find a place to do some sparring. You'll be among the best in no time, Ge-san, who can be better at swordplay than a sword, you know?
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Yeah - we actually normally have more of a connection. Like... if someone touched my blade, I'd feel it. It's actually weirder to not have.
[also scooting this to tuesday]
Oh - before I forget, Ge-san, is it okay if I bite you?
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I'll say that it's weirder that you're asking for permission instead of just doing it.
[ consent is important but he. is dying at this. ]
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Is it.... I don't want to assume!
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[ he'll just. roll up a sleeve I guess. ]
Don't bite hard if you don't have to.
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[this is so funny - but buzen will carefully reach out to guide gerard's arm up! he'll lean and give him a brief chomp on the forearm, definitely not hard, more of a brief indent of teeth.
and then he'll pull back with a grin]
I respect you a lot, Ge-san. I know you work really hard for people... and it takes a lot of courage to face up to things you haven't done well before. But I think that makes you one of the cooler people here - so I'm glad I've gotten to meet you.
[giving a reason for affection is not at all part of the rule but buzen figures it can't hurt... his feelings truly reflect his words]
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[ anyway his emotions are actually quite flustered at this very sincere compliment. ]
I, um ... [ hrm. ] Thank you. I think you're quite a striking individual, er, sword, yourself. And talking to you has certainly been enlightening.
[ BUT ]
I'm still not going to bite anyone. In spirit, I would, you know, chomp away.
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buzen tries not to think about the taste. instead he just has a faintly amused and fond feeling at the fluster....]
Hah, that's okay.
Too weird of a rule?
week 4 sunday
anyway buzen is just going to go find buzen after their little maid cafe nonsense. he is probably still wearing the butler uniform.]
Ge-san? You doing okay after all that?
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buzen can rock the butler uniform its probably a good look. i hope he has some good emotional revelations after finding himself. gerard isn't too far, he isn't quite sure where to go or what to do yet, so. vibing.
for self-indulgent funsies, there's an odd sense sometimes that he's not ... quite as froggish as he was. maybe something about his frame is a little smaller, or his eyes are less protruding. his legs bend at a human angle. could just be a trick of the light though. ]
After dying twice? I've been better. But also worse?
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or maybe you just haven't seen a dude for a few weeks.]
... I don't know how to feel about you being worse but... I'm sorry.
[a beat]
Wait, twice?
[HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHENHE DID]
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[ anyway, very bluntly: ]
Shenhe killed me again. It's fine. As is her right. I imagine Fukuzawa will be lining up next based on how he's acting?
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.... Ge-san. I know that there's no action that's going to be popular with everyone here, and I don't know if you want me to protect you from the consequences of what's been done.
[with the unspoken sentiment being that if he did, then buzen would.]
But just to make sure you hear it from someone today... I appreciate what you and Froggystyle are doing. What you have done. Even if it hurts to get there, I understand putting the end result ahead of everything else.
I know how hard it is. So I think you're very strong for doing it, even knowing all the pain that it carries.
No matter what, I'm going to be on your side.
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but he frowns when buzen suggests having to protect him - not because he doesn't appreciate it, but ... no. he doesn't want that. if they're angry, they can be angry with him. he'd told the others on his team that much. it is his duty to carry that weight, and its theirs to keep moving forward. ]
It's not heroic, or anything. And I think Fukuzawa is right, I'm-- a coward, with weak moral fiber. The Reapers told us that to bring back Rin, we'd have to win, and kill at least one person.
I spoke to Aika and told myself that I was just tired of sitting on my lilypad. Waiting for a rescuer. That's how I lost Elody. That's how I lost everything. But I think the truth is that I panicked. At least with Shenhe. Ylfa was going to kill, she's so goddamn brave, and I couldn't just let her be the one who has to be brave for us. Again. So I thought I could beat her to it. I'm a bit ... expendable on the team. Someone was going to come after me eventually. I could do something while I'm still here.
And then we got away with it. And we figured out the more points we had, the more people we could get out, and it'd just be-- I don't know. It felt like a waste to not keep trying. They told us to be prepared to have to make choices. We'd started too late, there would never be a way to get enough points. And so we made the decision. Keep going. They can be angry and alive instead of erased and feeling nothing. But maybe that's just because I'm justifying this to myself. Hurting other people for the people I care about most.
It's the kind of monster you have to be to survive in this world.
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... but killing to protect the many is something I understand well. Maybe it is a little monstrous. But maybe monsters will get more done than chivalry will.
[and because a memshare can do better to explain this than buzen saying anything, this is when a pig rolls around sorry to make you watch sword musical
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Yeah, I'd say you get it.
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and he'll put a hand on gerard's shoulder, still aiming for comforting]
... I do.
And it's why I want to make sure your heart's still intact, even if you feel guilt for what you've had to do. Maybe because you feel it.
Maybe we're just both people trying to justify our choices to ourselves... but everyone has to do that everyday. Especially here. I don't want you to have to carry this weight alone, or bear the burden of everyone's anger by yourself.
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]
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.... we'll get you back to her soon, Ge-san. You and her, and Rin back to Haru-san.
Then maybe... I hope you can find a way to be able to have a more peaceful time together, where you don't have to be pushed so roughly just to survive.
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but yeah. he gets that reaction. same. ]
I think it's coming to the ending of all things, where we're from. So I guess one way or another, it's going to be very peaceful.
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The... memory that got shared, during your last fight with Ylfa-san.
Is that the last thing you remember?
[IT SEEMED A LITTLE WORRYINGLY FINAL]
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[ HE. WAS BUSY DYING AND DIDN'T KNOW THAT. mortifying. partially because its just a very ... harsh picture of himself. letting two children die for him only to pathetically end up killing himself in the struggle too. having to force himself to be brave enough to act. it seems darkly ironic that everyone got a clear image of it in the moment where he'd decided he had to die for two kids instead of the other way around this time.
but, as for Buzen's question. Hm. What are the four most important words? ]
No. That was quite a while ago, actually. [ ... ] I came back. The Fairy with Turquoise Hair put me into another story. Worse.
[ gestures to. frog. ]
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You really hate this form huh, Ge-san.
[a little softly in reflection. though he'll at least mention]
... Though I do think you look a bit different now, since the last I saw you.
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he actually does a sort of laugh at both of those statements - not like meanly. just kind of amused at his own constant shitfit about being a frog, and the idea that he could possibly look any different. but kind of defensively:]
I really was just as handsome as you or Matsui, you know. [ i dont know about THAT. fairytale handsome is different from sword handsome, but ] ... I don't actually hate it. Or, I do. It's -- every day I wake up, and get to see the proof that I fucked up. I ruined true love and I'm still unworthy of it. And it's hard not to see that and hate myself, this form, knowing what it means.
But I think it's made me a better person? I'm stronger. Physically and all. [ a bit of a dark laugh. ] People asked how anyone could possibly beat Shenhe in a fight, and I can tell you that as a Prince I wouldn't have been able to make it three seconds against her. I wouldn't have survived this long without it. And it makes me try harder. People treat you very differently when you're handsome and when you look like a monster. Or I guess see you for what you say, what you do, without the idea that if you're a handsome prince you must surely be good on some level. So, um, in a lot of ways, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I don't like myself a great deal, but at least I know myself now. I don't think I knew him at all, before I started turning back, because I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about it all ever again.
[ `Maybe you were just aware that no matter what you did for the rest of your life, the story people were going to tell about you was that there was a period of years where you were a frog.`
anyway the thing about memshare week (memshare week forever!!!!) is that he doesn't have to ask about his life story if he wants a lil tasty memory snack.]
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but he'll start with taking gerard's hand in his, heedless of the form it's in. it's still a perfectly fine hand to hold.]
.... I'm not quite a blade, but I'm definitely not a human. Sometimes I worry that we deceive people - well, I know that we do. Even when we got here, Matsu and I were just starting to tell people for the first time... and I kept worrying that I'd scare somebody. That they'd see me as a weapon - which I am - but it feels like... I'm not just a weapon anymore. Maybe I never was.
But at least for me... it was nice, when people saw me for all that I am. That I wasn't keeping some important part of mine hidden away. I know you don't have as much of a choice in the matter, and maybe it's a rough reminder... but I hope you at least get the feeling that when people see you for all that you are, they like every part. The prince part, the cursed part, the strong part, and the sad part. It's all Ge-san.
At least for me - I like you. [said not in an particularly dramatic way, but rather a statement of fact] And maybe I don't know you as well as you know yourself yet but... based on everything I do know, I like you. So even if I don't know much about what makes love true... You should know that you are worthy of care and love. People can and will still know you as you are, and love you as you are.
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but you know he gets his hand held (its like. weirdly much drier than normal.) and told that's worthy of love and immediately does have to pull his hand back so he can scrub at his face. frogmotions. i don't know if frogs can cry, but you know. maybe. ]
... Thanks, Buzen. I don't think I've had many friends before, and now I look around and apparently I've got a few of them, and all it took was having to kill a bunch of people.
week 5 post-trial
Ge-san?
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Buzen. [ ... ] What a mess.
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Um, I tried to make it fancy and princely...
[like the fanciest tea he could find,, but also tilts his head]
What's on your mind?
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[ he’s kind of always slightly surprised by how thoughtful everyone here is, including buzen. it’s weird!! and also incredibly nice. he’ll take it and try it. ]
Thank you—- it’s very nice of you. I didn’t know swords made so much tea, but I’m learning quite a bit today.
[ but. the question. ]
Thinking about what to do tomorrow.
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[swords love to be elegant and also party. mikazuki's spirit is here.]
Tomorrow... when everyone else gets here?
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And what to tell Simon, upon his arrival.
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[he nods at that, understanding]
Well... between you, Fuku-sensei, and Lam-san... I feel like someone might end up telling him the team at least.
Are you worried he'll lash out over it?
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But I think we should consider letting me take the blame entirely for the things that ended with him scapegoated. It would be easy to pretend it was me alone. And then if he does choose to lash out, it will have a focus.
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there's still something that bugs him about it, though.]
If that's what you want, then I won't say otherwise.
... but do you ever think that you're a little too quick to take all the blame on yourself, Ge-san?
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I don’t know. Maybe. [ he’ll be honest that he knows he’s trying to jump on a grenade here that might not even explode but. ] I never have in the past. I’ve never taken the blame for anything, always tried to blame outside forces. My curse, the fairies, the war, destiny itself.
I used to be a lot different, you know?
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[but buzen shrugs, letting his gaze flick up to the sky in thought]
Or if you're too quick to fall on your own blade, you might not realize people don't want you to. It's hard to say.
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[ there’s certainly people here who he feels the same way about? he’s been in arguments with several of them over this exact problem. ]
... What would you do?
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... I don't know. Tell the truth? Make everyone take responsibility for what they did?
Froggystyle might've framed him, but Fuku-sensei was the one who told him not to share information for some weird reason and then Si-san's the one who went out and killed him for an even weirder reason. Hot Mess is the one who took the fall anyway, so...
You can apologize and say you regret what you did. It might not be good enough for him. But if the price he asks you to pay to make it even is too high, that's not your fault.
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We’ll see what I’m able to make myself do in the end about it. I don’t know that I have that kind of backbone, but— I’ll try.
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Think of it less as backbone and more that... well, everyone needs to pick up their share of the weight. Things like this are rarely just one person's fault.
[he'll just pat gerard's shoulder]
I'm on the outside, so it might be easier for me to say whatever I want about it. But whatever you choose... I'll root for you.
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In my experience you can plan these conversations as much as you want and then whatever happens, happens. It’s beyond my control at this point.
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but buzen nods at that, ultimately in agreement]
It is. Just see how you feel tomorrow and do what you think you can live with, okay?
In the end, we all have to work together to get ourselves out of this mess anyway.
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I guess to your point then I’ll be honest with you, everyone is speaking as if Simon gets one “free shot” on me, so to speak, and I can’t say that I’m actually totally on board with this great idea where I have to sit here all night and think about dying horribly.
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If people are saying that, it's probably just because they have a different threshold of violence. You're not even the one who killed him... You can defend yourself if you want to.
Just put him to sleep if he comes at you - like you did Shen-san. It doesn't have to hurt.
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[ unfortunately poison takes time to work, but. ]
At least this is all almost over. One way or another.
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[and then simon only attacked setsu? what a plot twist,]
... are you worried, Ge-san? About how things are going to turn out.
week 6, thurs
so he goes to approach gerard, wherever he is - though he also notably does not have his sword at his side or any gloves on his hands. he's dressed down, as comfortably civilian as possible.
(all things that could be used to hurt someone are gone as if that'd stop buzen from trying to crush someone with his bare fists but it's the thought that counts maybe)]
... Ge-san.
Are you - healed? All the way?
[so awkward for buzen to stand there being offered heals but knowing he didn't need them but also not encouraging gerard to get any because he thought he still had to kill a dude]
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he does take a brief once over to look for his sword, sorry about it. anyway, his chest isn’t actively bleeding anymore and doesn’t seem like it’s about to kill him, though he’s moving a little stiffly which might suggest that he is not actually healed all the way. but he also didn’t ask. ]
Had worse. I’ll be alright.
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... you should still get healed. Let me know if you want Lam-san to get you, I'll pay her fee since it's my fault.
[so much of that unnecessary pain at the end was his fault. his expression shutters closed for a moment before he faces gerard again]
I don't expect forgiveness. But I do want to say I'm sorry - and short of killing me, because I made a promise... you can ask for whatever you want in return.
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It really isn’t terrible. Hard to think you’re in a loop if you stay injured, right? Those types of things wouldn’t stay.
[ but, uuuuuh. shaking his head so quickly at the offer. ]
You don’t need forgiveness - you already have it. You really don’t have anything to apologize for. [ long lasting grudges aren’t really his thing. slow-burning anger isn’t his sin. if he’s angry it’s quick and hot and passes pretty harmlessly in the end. ] You weren’t of your own mind. I think I’m the one that should be apologizing. I— we could have looped again. Figured out some other way with you and Nahida. And I’m the one that tried to destroy it.
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... then "you don't need forgiveness - you already have it". Those were the words you used, right? I'll borrow them too, if that's okay.
Everyone was tired of the loops. Nahi-chan was frustrated, and we could only stand losing our friends and each other so many times. Each one hurt. It was a tough way to end it... but it ended. So maybe you're the reason we were even able to get out of there, Ge-san.
... even though I imagine it's hard to sit with what happened... You aren't the bug, Ge-san. You're not an existence that destroys others.
You know that, right?
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the thing about seeing elody again is a good reminder of the fact that he never really listened when she told him things either, and that maybe hearing other people when they tell you things is something he should try to be doing. ]
I-- [ he wipes at his face. ] Okay. Yeah. I think I know that. I do know that.
[ or at the very least, he doesn't think he'd ever try to do it again. ]
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... I'll keep reminding you when it gets hard to remember. Nahi-chan will too. We're not mad at you.
You've been working hard the entire time you've been here to try to be someone else - to protect people instead of being protected.
This messed up mission doesn't erase all of that.
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I think I just really miss Elody.
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... you love her. It makes sense.
[ . . . ]
Do you want to talk about it? All the things you love about her, and what you want to say to her when you see her again?
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[ digging his nails into his own arm for a second (did he used to have those?) and then letting go. letting out a breath he was pretty sure he'd been holding since all of this started. ]
I've been thinking about that.
[ which is also an improvement, in this answer, which used to be I don't know that I will ever see her again. ]
I think, if we can- maybe choose to go back a little while, I could change some things. Not mess it up so badly. Tell her that I'm her friend, first and foremost, forever, and I don't need her to save me or drag me out of the pond. That I'll really be okay on my own. Or-- You know. With other people to rely on too.
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I hope you can tell her. Whether it's going back, or moving forward - I hope that you find a way to tell her everything that you want to.
For Matsu and I... I was summoned knowing that there are people I belong beside. Him, and the rest of the Gous. Even if I didn't know what to call it - whether it's love or something else - I know that I'm meant to be next to them. No matter what everything else looks like.
It probably looks different for you and Elo-san. But... I like the idea that there are people we're meant to find and meet. One way or another. However things turn out.
week 7 monday
buzen is just going to be wandering around and will raise a hand to greet gerard when he sees him]
Yo, Ge-san. Holding up okay?
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Well-- It's weird? It's weird. Yeah.
Weird.
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Yeah. I'd agree with that.
Did you cry?
[don'T JUST ASK]
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What? When? Why--
[ oh forget it why is he pretending. ]
I try not to so much ...
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hehehe buzen just grins and throws an arm around gerard's shoulders]
It's sweet.
I'm sure they've missed you, and vice versa.
W7 - FRIDAY
What do you think? Optimistic? Certain doom? Something in between?
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Optimistic. [where does all the confidence come from]
Why? Are you worried?
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I wouldn't say worried. [ thinks. ] I suppose it's a bit like worrying if you will explode at any moment. If you do, it's not like you can do anything to stop it. So having a worry about it doesn't help at this point.
Now I will admit to slightly terrified.
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[said with a smile nonetheless as he just bumps into gerard's side lightly, playfully]
But I kinda get it? To me it's like the anticipation before a big battle.... but there's no way out but through!
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I know, just consider it a general state of being. Old habits. And it isn't as if I plan to run. You are correct, there is no way out but through.
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You're really different from when we first met, you know? And not just talking about appearances. You give me a lot of hope, for how people can change in just a few weeks.
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[ he is aware that he's changed a lot, but hearing it so blatantly is really sending him on a loop. ]
You really think so?
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It's kinda funny that you're so surprised about it....
But yeah. Of course. I know that the path you've taken to get here hasn't been easy, and has actually in fact been pretty painful... but you've come out of it stronger and kinder.
That's impressive.
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but also just like, extremely grateful. ]
I, um. [ wrow. ]
Thank you. [ sorry he sort of. laughs. because he did kill people. but so has buzen for his own reasons and he guesses if anyone would know it's probably him. ] I mean, it's in no small part thanks to your help and everything ...
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buzen just grins back, the amusement and fondness growing stronger! gerard is so funny but such a good guy]
I mean... sure, it's been a group effort on things. All the missions we've had to do, and all that.
It's why I'm proud of all of us together, and proud of you too. Going home is pretty close in reach now.
week 7 endgame
Yo, Ge-san! It's over! How ya feeling?
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Okay, I suppose. I mean. We did see Ruby die earlier, and then tomorrow we will have to say goodbye, and that is not a great feeling. I-- Honestly didn't think we'd make it this far.
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I'd say it's what we worked pretty hard for.... but it's like Ylfa-san said, having to make all these choices and be aware of what it means. I feel bad about Ruby-san still... but I think this is the consensus we all agreed to.
Mind if I catch you to say something before we part ways?
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[ he doesn't disagree. chewing on the mcflurry spoon but he stops when buzen asks that, and looks questioning. ]
Sure? Of course. What is it?
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[the way buzen is truly ex-catholically praying on every star that he will never see the frees again]
So even though everyone is hoping to keep in touch, I don't know if he and I will be able to—but that's the usual. I'm used to saying goodbye. I'm just glad I get to decide how I do it this time.
Before I go... I just wanted to say I'm glad I've met you, and I'll be remembering you and Ylfa-san for the rest of my existence. I'll wish you luck on where you go next, but hope you don't lose heart about your own capacity for change and how capable you are.
That's all.
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[ anyway i think he's kind of too stunned to say anything and instead he just sort of steps forward and hugs him, which is like. the first time he's ever done this of his own volition to someone who isn't a crying teen. ]
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but regardless, buzen will just look a little surprised before he just immediately brings gerard into his arms for a hug!! his embrace is still soooo warm and comfortable, truly the most ridiculously cozy hugs ever]