[ HE. WAS BUSY DYING AND DIDN'T KNOW THAT. mortifying. partially because its just a very ... harsh picture of himself. letting two children die for him only to pathetically end up killing himself in the struggle too. having to force himself to be brave enough to act. it seems darkly ironic that everyone got a clear image of it in the moment where he'd decided he had to die for two kids instead of the other way around this time.
but, as for Buzen's question. Hm. What are the four most important words? ]
No. That was quite a while ago, actually. [ ... ] I came back. The Fairy with Turquoise Hair put me into another story. Worse.
[ . . . oh. buzen nods first, before he tilts his head, wondering again about the timeline of things, and the nature of gerard and ylfa's world. some part of him is almost relieved to know that that wasn't the end of his story, even if now he finds himself wondering more and more about what the rest of it was. but it's a little hard to ask someone for their whole life story, isn't it]
You really hate this form huh, Ge-san.
[a little softly in reflection. though he'll at least mention]
... Though I do think you look a bit different now, since the last I saw you.
[ funnily he kind of does doesn't he? it's almost like everyone basically saw the memory where he killed the fairy godmother that actually laid the curse on him. so maybe that magic isn't quite as binding as he'd like to believe. that he actively turns more froglike when he imagines himself to be, so the reverse might be true enough as well.
he actually does a sort of laugh at both of those statements - not like meanly. just kind of amused at his own constant shitfit about being a frog, and the idea that he could possibly look any different. but kind of defensively:]
I really was just as handsome as you or Matsui, you know. [ i dont know about THAT. fairytale handsome is different from sword handsome, but ] ... I don't actually hate it. Or, I do. It's -- every day I wake up, and get to see the proof that I fucked up. I ruined true love and I'm still unworthy of it. And it's hard not to see that and hate myself, this form, knowing what it means.
But I think it's made me a better person? I'm stronger. Physically and all. [ a bit of a dark laugh. ] People asked how anyone could possibly beat Shenhe in a fight, and I can tell you that as a Prince I wouldn't have been able to make it three seconds against her. I wouldn't have survived this long without it. And it makes me try harder. People treat you very differently when you're handsome and when you look like a monster. Or I guess see you for what you say, what you do, without the idea that if you're a handsome prince you must surely be good on some level. So, um, in a lot of ways, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I don't like myself a great deal, but at least I know myself now. I don't think I knew him at all, before I started turning back, because I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about it all ever again.
[ `Maybe you were just aware that no matter what you did for the rest of your life, the story people were going to tell about you was that there was a period of years where you were a frog.`
anyway the thing about memshare week (memshare week forever!!!!) is that he doesn't have to ask about his life story if he wants a lil tasty memory snack.]
[there are ways that buzen understands, and ways that he doesn't. to him, a body is just a body. he has an understanding of beauty that is different from humans, but he can at the very least grasp that yes - people will treat you differently based on what they think you are. why are swords summoned to look like people? why are they given these human hearts? he was asked once, to be the bridge between what is human and non-human. he's still trying to figure out what that means for him.
but he'll start with taking gerard's hand in his, heedless of the form it's in. it's still a perfectly fine hand to hold.]
.... I'm not quite a blade, but I'm definitely not a human. Sometimes I worry that we deceive people - well, I know that we do. Even when we got here, Matsu and I were just starting to tell people for the first time... and I kept worrying that I'd scare somebody. That they'd see me as a weapon - which I am - but it feels like... I'm not just a weapon anymore. Maybe I never was.
But at least for me... it was nice, when people saw me for all that I am. That I wasn't keeping some important part of mine hidden away. I know you don't have as much of a choice in the matter, and maybe it's a rough reminder... but I hope you at least get the feeling that when people see you for all that you are, they like every part. The prince part, the cursed part, the strong part, and the sad part. It's all Ge-san.
At least for me - I like you. [said not in an particularly dramatic way, but rather a statement of fact] And maybe I don't know you as well as you know yourself yet but... based on everything I do know, I like you. So even if I don't know much about what makes love true... You should know that you are worthy of care and love. People can and will still know you as you are, and love you as you are.
[ all of this is A Lot. but starting from the first thing he says, he gets that. There will never be a time when Buzen is perceived as fully human, because on some level he isn't. The difference is maybe that he started as a sword, and became more human as time wore on.
but you know he gets his hand held (its like. weirdly much drier than normal.) and told that's worthy of love and immediately does have to pull his hand back so he can scrub at his face. frogmotions. i don't know if frogs can cry, but you know. maybe. ]
... Thanks, Buzen. I don't think I've had many friends before, and now I look around and apparently I've got a few of them, and all it took was having to kill a bunch of people.
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no subject
The... memory that got shared, during your last fight with Ylfa-san.
Is that the last thing you remember?
[IT SEEMED A LITTLE WORRYINGLY FINAL]
no subject
[ HE. WAS BUSY DYING AND DIDN'T KNOW THAT. mortifying. partially because its just a very ... harsh picture of himself. letting two children die for him only to pathetically end up killing himself in the struggle too. having to force himself to be brave enough to act. it seems darkly ironic that everyone got a clear image of it in the moment where he'd decided he had to die for two kids instead of the other way around this time.
but, as for Buzen's question. Hm. What are the four most important words? ]
No. That was quite a while ago, actually. [ ... ] I came back. The Fairy with Turquoise Hair put me into another story. Worse.
[ gestures to. frog. ]
no subject
You really hate this form huh, Ge-san.
[a little softly in reflection. though he'll at least mention]
... Though I do think you look a bit different now, since the last I saw you.
no subject
he actually does a sort of laugh at both of those statements - not like meanly. just kind of amused at his own constant shitfit about being a frog, and the idea that he could possibly look any different. but kind of defensively:]
I really was just as handsome as you or Matsui, you know. [ i dont know about THAT. fairytale handsome is different from sword handsome, but ] ... I don't actually hate it. Or, I do. It's -- every day I wake up, and get to see the proof that I fucked up. I ruined true love and I'm still unworthy of it. And it's hard not to see that and hate myself, this form, knowing what it means.
But I think it's made me a better person? I'm stronger. Physically and all. [ a bit of a dark laugh. ] People asked how anyone could possibly beat Shenhe in a fight, and I can tell you that as a Prince I wouldn't have been able to make it three seconds against her. I wouldn't have survived this long without it. And it makes me try harder. People treat you very differently when you're handsome and when you look like a monster. Or I guess see you for what you say, what you do, without the idea that if you're a handsome prince you must surely be good on some level. So, um, in a lot of ways, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I don't like myself a great deal, but at least I know myself now. I don't think I knew him at all, before I started turning back, because I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about it all ever again.
[ `Maybe you were just aware that no matter what you did for the rest of your life, the story people were going to tell about you was that there was a period of years where you were a frog.`
anyway the thing about memshare week (memshare week forever!!!!) is that he doesn't have to ask about his life story if he wants a lil tasty memory snack.]
no subject
but he'll start with taking gerard's hand in his, heedless of the form it's in. it's still a perfectly fine hand to hold.]
.... I'm not quite a blade, but I'm definitely not a human. Sometimes I worry that we deceive people - well, I know that we do. Even when we got here, Matsu and I were just starting to tell people for the first time... and I kept worrying that I'd scare somebody. That they'd see me as a weapon - which I am - but it feels like... I'm not just a weapon anymore. Maybe I never was.
But at least for me... it was nice, when people saw me for all that I am. That I wasn't keeping some important part of mine hidden away. I know you don't have as much of a choice in the matter, and maybe it's a rough reminder... but I hope you at least get the feeling that when people see you for all that you are, they like every part. The prince part, the cursed part, the strong part, and the sad part. It's all Ge-san.
At least for me - I like you. [said not in an particularly dramatic way, but rather a statement of fact] And maybe I don't know you as well as you know yourself yet but... based on everything I do know, I like you. So even if I don't know much about what makes love true... You should know that you are worthy of care and love. People can and will still know you as you are, and love you as you are.
no subject
but you know he gets his hand held (its like. weirdly much drier than normal.) and told that's worthy of love and immediately does have to pull his hand back so he can scrub at his face. frogmotions. i don't know if frogs can cry, but you know. maybe. ]
... Thanks, Buzen. I don't think I've had many friends before, and now I look around and apparently I've got a few of them, and all it took was having to kill a bunch of people.