[STOP NOT MY TYPO. also your funsies... buzen looks curious, but is not entirely sure how polite it is to bring up? regardless, he might be watching gerard even more intently as if trying to figure out if what he's seeing is right.
or maybe you just haven't seen a dude for a few weeks.]
... I don't know how to feel about you being worse but... I'm sorry.
[he winces, because he can't say that he's surprised but at the same time he's hardly pleased either.]
.... Ge-san. I know that there's no action that's going to be popular with everyone here, and I don't know if you want me to protect you from the consequences of what's been done.
[with the unspoken sentiment being that if he did, then buzen would.]
But just to make sure you hear it from someone today... I appreciate what you and Froggystyle are doing. What you have done. Even if it hurts to get there, I understand putting the end result ahead of everything else.
I know how hard it is. So I think you're very strong for doing it, even knowing all the pain that it carries.
[ he does sort of reach up to put a hand over his chest. it's been a lot of reminders of that lately. the sharp cut of an aerosword. a firey, burning weapon. a glass shard through the heart.
but he frowns when buzen suggests having to protect him - not because he doesn't appreciate it, but ... no. he doesn't want that. if they're angry, they can be angry with him. he'd told the others on his team that much. it is his duty to carry that weight, and its theirs to keep moving forward. ]
It's not heroic, or anything. And I think Fukuzawa is right, I'm-- a coward, with weak moral fiber. The Reapers told us that to bring back Rin, we'd have to win, and kill at least one person.
I spoke to Aika and told myself that I was just tired of sitting on my lilypad. Waiting for a rescuer. That's how I lost Elody. That's how I lost everything. But I think the truth is that I panicked. At least with Shenhe. Ylfa was going to kill, she's so goddamn brave, and I couldn't just let her be the one who has to be brave for us. Again. So I thought I could beat her to it. I'm a bit ... expendable on the team. Someone was going to come after me eventually. I could do something while I'm still here.
And then we got away with it. And we figured out the more points we had, the more people we could get out, and it'd just be-- I don't know. It felt like a waste to not keep trying. They told us to be prepared to have to make choices. We'd started too late, there would never be a way to get enough points. And so we made the decision. Keep going. They can be angry and alive instead of erased and feeling nothing. But maybe that's just because I'm justifying this to myself. Hurting other people for the people I care about most.
It's the kind of monster you have to be to survive in this world.
No, it's not heroic. But I don't think it's cowardly either. And I don't think you're expendable. It's not that I'm trying to make you feel better—well, I'd like it if you did but it's not just that—
... but killing to protect the many is something I understand well. Maybe it is a little monstrous. But maybe monsters will get more done than chivalry will.
[and because a memshare can do better to explain this than buzen saying anything, this is when a pig rolls around sorry to make you watch sword musical
You’re a traveler, and to these people, that’s all you’ll ever be. You speak with this man who doesn’t need to introduce himself - you know exactly who he is. Ota Dokan, the architect of Edo Castle, which withstood the tests of time and war to remain strong and steadfast into this modern day. You talk to him about all the beautiful things this world has to offer, and feel your heart warm knowing this person exists. He doesn’t ask your name, not that you would give it anyway.
(Not that it would matter. The Buzen Gou is already lost to history.)
You watch him join the men in building his creation, and promise them a grand feast at the end of their labor. It makes laughter spill from your lips before you can even stop it, and when Ame comes to get you, it almost feels too short. You say your farewells, and tuck this serendipitous little meeting into your heart. You hope that you don’t meet again.
Your friend is brought to his knees in a fight—and is just barely saved. Monstrous creatures come to his rescue and set him free. As the fighting dies down, it quickly becomes obvious to you as you step on the scene. On this day, Ota Dokan could survive. He could walk out of this battleground, and build so many more grand sights. He could help so many more people. He could enjoy life.
Your blade ends that dream abruptly. You cannot allow that to happen.
Ame—beloved, darling Ame who you treasure so dearly—tries to take on this responsibility from you. But Ame is different from you. Ame has never raised his blade against the very same humans that you’re sworn to protect. So you laugh it off, you tell him not to think about it, even though your inconvenient heart is beating painfully in your chest. Even though you understand a little bit more, why Tsuru-san said ‘you can’t complete missions like this unless you hate yourself’. Maybe you’re starting to learn to hate yourself. No, you can’t let him feel this. You can’t let any of the others feel this, for as long as you’re able.
You should be the only twisted blade that knows what it’s like to cut down the very same people you adore. You should be the only liar. ]
[ he does just. seem to accept this memory. it's nothing so horrifying, compared to some of the things he's seen. it just makes him sad for Buzen, to have to live with it. the weight. ]
[this sword has trauma but so much of it is concentrated and can be shared in a later memshare painpong if you so wish - but for right now, he just nods....
and he'll put a hand on gerard's shoulder, still aiming for comforting]
... I do.
And it's why I want to make sure your heart's still intact, even if you feel guilt for what you've had to do. Maybe because you feel it.
Maybe we're just both people trying to justify our choices to ourselves... but everyone has to do that everyday. Especially here. I don't want you to have to carry this weight alone, or bear the burden of everyone's anger by yourself.
[ he really isn't sure what he's done to deserve being around all of these people - kind, and brave, and forgiving. it feels ridiculous.
It’s been a long day of killing spiders. After the battle, you decide. Maybe you should say something. You go to Ylfa, and pull her aside.
“Listen, some of the things that you were saying during the battle and kind of pre-battle, just, you're- during the battle and kind of pre-battle, just, you're-“
“Forgive me. Am I in trouble?”
“No, no no no. You're not... You're not in trouble. You're not a monster.’
“Oh. I very much so appreciate that, Gerard, but I did blow my family away, and in this timeline, I killed a huntsman. And actually, you're right. I mostly took damage down there, so that was not as monstrous.”
“Yes, but I mean, do you…” You gesture over to Little Miss Muffet, picking at some food, her spidery jaws working nervously, small human hands tearing apart a piece of bread. “Do you blame Goldilocks for what happened when she was a spider?”
“No, but I do notice the way that people are scared of her and they treat her differently. I'm aware. I see it. I get it. I mean, you obviously must know. There's a reason that you're trying to still be a prince, right? I mean, you're kind of in a similar situation, right? You were a frog, and then you got to be a prince, and now that you're a frog again, all you want to do is be a prince. And your Elody, if Elody had a spider for a face, would you have fallen in love with her?”
“You know, yes, I think I would have.”
“… I’m sorry, am I talking back too much?”
“No, you're not talking back at all. Listen, you actually are quite different from me, because when I was a kid, I was very, um, I was very selfish and I was very rude, believe it or not, and that's why I was cursed to be a frog in the first place. and that's why I was cursed to be a frog in the first place. And you're... You're very much not that. You take care of these people around you, and when I want to run away, you're always... You stand up to people, and I know that everything that's happening is very scary, but I think that maybe these are the people that we need to be to survive in this world.”
“Don't you just kind of wish that the person that you needed to be to survive in this world was a handsome prince?”
“Yes, very much so.”
There’s a long pause, an awkward silence.
“So, you know, I can, I'm accepting my station, but I'm trying to make peace with it, too. That feels like the next step, right? You got to accept it before you embrace it.”
“Yes, but I will add, Red, that, I don't know, thinking back on it now, when I fell in love with my wife, I was a frog then. She would... She would-“ “She loved you for more than how far you could hop?” - You laugh. “Yes, yes, yes. She... And back then, I didn't have sort of the princely things to rely on and I think maybe, maybe I was a little bit more interesting and thoughtful.”
“Whoa, really? You think that you were more interesting when you weren't a prince? That's crazy. I feel like all the stories are about princes and princesses.”
“Well, they usually stop once the person becomes a prince or a princess, don't they?”
“That's true, I would say what I just saw you do down there with that spider was way more interesting than any story I've read about a prince.”
“Well, thank you. Elody, my wife, did things like that. She's very brave, but … “
“Can I ask you, what did you love about her? You said you'd love her even if she had a spider for a face, so you must have loved something else about her.”
You’d think it’d be harder, to think of the things you loved about her now. You have sets of memories of the wonderful life you lived with the Princess Elody, but this world, the attack from Snowhold was so much more violent, the losses so much greater. You remember seeing Elody astride a blood-soaked horse, her eyes wide with battle rage, huge, golden mace overhead. You remember Elody, dress dirty, standing at the edge of the pond, golden ball in her hands and smiling at you.
“Well, I suppose she was always very adventurous and rebellious, and she would clash with her parents, and she would run off into the woods and talk to me. I just found her fascinating, sort of her rebellious spirit, and then sort of once we got together finally, maybe I got too complacent or comfortable. …. So, I didn't mean for this to turn into you having to... You're not a monster, is what I'm saying.”
“Oh no, I mean, I just was curious, so I asked, 'cause I don't know what makes people fall in love with each other.” She pauses to think. “I’m pretty sure I loved my grandma … ?”
“Yeah.”
“But that's different. Okay, sure. I don't think I'm to that stage of the change yet.”
“But you don't have to make the same mistakes that I did by sort of rejecting the changes that you're making, because then you could end up going back. That's all I wanted to say.”
“Okay. Well, thank you, Gerard.”
“Of course.”
“I’ll think about it. I'll really think about it. I'll give it a good noodle. That's what Grandma used to call it when we have to think about something that we're undecided about.”
[ . . . ah. after the memory ends, buzen brings a hand to his chest, over his own heart, an automatic reaction to when he feels that pain there.]
.... we'll get you back to her soon, Ge-san. You and her, and Rin back to Haru-san.
Then maybe... I hope you can find a way to be able to have a more peaceful time together, where you don't have to be pushed so roughly just to survive.
[ HE. WAS BUSY DYING AND DIDN'T KNOW THAT. mortifying. partially because its just a very ... harsh picture of himself. letting two children die for him only to pathetically end up killing himself in the struggle too. having to force himself to be brave enough to act. it seems darkly ironic that everyone got a clear image of it in the moment where he'd decided he had to die for two kids instead of the other way around this time.
but, as for Buzen's question. Hm. What are the four most important words? ]
No. That was quite a while ago, actually. [ ... ] I came back. The Fairy with Turquoise Hair put me into another story. Worse.
[ . . . oh. buzen nods first, before he tilts his head, wondering again about the timeline of things, and the nature of gerard and ylfa's world. some part of him is almost relieved to know that that wasn't the end of his story, even if now he finds himself wondering more and more about what the rest of it was. but it's a little hard to ask someone for their whole life story, isn't it]
You really hate this form huh, Ge-san.
[a little softly in reflection. though he'll at least mention]
... Though I do think you look a bit different now, since the last I saw you.
[ funnily he kind of does doesn't he? it's almost like everyone basically saw the memory where he killed the fairy godmother that actually laid the curse on him. so maybe that magic isn't quite as binding as he'd like to believe. that he actively turns more froglike when he imagines himself to be, so the reverse might be true enough as well.
he actually does a sort of laugh at both of those statements - not like meanly. just kind of amused at his own constant shitfit about being a frog, and the idea that he could possibly look any different. but kind of defensively:]
I really was just as handsome as you or Matsui, you know. [ i dont know about THAT. fairytale handsome is different from sword handsome, but ] ... I don't actually hate it. Or, I do. It's -- every day I wake up, and get to see the proof that I fucked up. I ruined true love and I'm still unworthy of it. And it's hard not to see that and hate myself, this form, knowing what it means.
But I think it's made me a better person? I'm stronger. Physically and all. [ a bit of a dark laugh. ] People asked how anyone could possibly beat Shenhe in a fight, and I can tell you that as a Prince I wouldn't have been able to make it three seconds against her. I wouldn't have survived this long without it. And it makes me try harder. People treat you very differently when you're handsome and when you look like a monster. Or I guess see you for what you say, what you do, without the idea that if you're a handsome prince you must surely be good on some level. So, um, in a lot of ways, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I don't like myself a great deal, but at least I know myself now. I don't think I knew him at all, before I started turning back, because I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about it all ever again.
[ `Maybe you were just aware that no matter what you did for the rest of your life, the story people were going to tell about you was that there was a period of years where you were a frog.`
anyway the thing about memshare week (memshare week forever!!!!) is that he doesn't have to ask about his life story if he wants a lil tasty memory snack.]
[there are ways that buzen understands, and ways that he doesn't. to him, a body is just a body. he has an understanding of beauty that is different from humans, but he can at the very least grasp that yes - people will treat you differently based on what they think you are. why are swords summoned to look like people? why are they given these human hearts? he was asked once, to be the bridge between what is human and non-human. he's still trying to figure out what that means for him.
but he'll start with taking gerard's hand in his, heedless of the form it's in. it's still a perfectly fine hand to hold.]
.... I'm not quite a blade, but I'm definitely not a human. Sometimes I worry that we deceive people - well, I know that we do. Even when we got here, Matsu and I were just starting to tell people for the first time... and I kept worrying that I'd scare somebody. That they'd see me as a weapon - which I am - but it feels like... I'm not just a weapon anymore. Maybe I never was.
But at least for me... it was nice, when people saw me for all that I am. That I wasn't keeping some important part of mine hidden away. I know you don't have as much of a choice in the matter, and maybe it's a rough reminder... but I hope you at least get the feeling that when people see you for all that you are, they like every part. The prince part, the cursed part, the strong part, and the sad part. It's all Ge-san.
At least for me - I like you. [said not in an particularly dramatic way, but rather a statement of fact] And maybe I don't know you as well as you know yourself yet but... based on everything I do know, I like you. So even if I don't know much about what makes love true... You should know that you are worthy of care and love. People can and will still know you as you are, and love you as you are.
[ all of this is A Lot. but starting from the first thing he says, he gets that. There will never be a time when Buzen is perceived as fully human, because on some level he isn't. The difference is maybe that he started as a sword, and became more human as time wore on.
but you know he gets his hand held (its like. weirdly much drier than normal.) and told that's worthy of love and immediately does have to pull his hand back so he can scrub at his face. frogmotions. i don't know if frogs can cry, but you know. maybe. ]
... Thanks, Buzen. I don't think I've had many friends before, and now I look around and apparently I've got a few of them, and all it took was having to kill a bunch of people.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
or maybe you just haven't seen a dude for a few weeks.]
... I don't know how to feel about you being worse but... I'm sorry.
[a beat]
Wait, twice?
[HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHENHE DID]
no subject
[ anyway, very bluntly: ]
Shenhe killed me again. It's fine. As is her right. I imagine Fukuzawa will be lining up next based on how he's acting?
no subject
.... Ge-san. I know that there's no action that's going to be popular with everyone here, and I don't know if you want me to protect you from the consequences of what's been done.
[with the unspoken sentiment being that if he did, then buzen would.]
But just to make sure you hear it from someone today... I appreciate what you and Froggystyle are doing. What you have done. Even if it hurts to get there, I understand putting the end result ahead of everything else.
I know how hard it is. So I think you're very strong for doing it, even knowing all the pain that it carries.
No matter what, I'm going to be on your side.
no subject
but he frowns when buzen suggests having to protect him - not because he doesn't appreciate it, but ... no. he doesn't want that. if they're angry, they can be angry with him. he'd told the others on his team that much. it is his duty to carry that weight, and its theirs to keep moving forward. ]
It's not heroic, or anything. And I think Fukuzawa is right, I'm-- a coward, with weak moral fiber. The Reapers told us that to bring back Rin, we'd have to win, and kill at least one person.
I spoke to Aika and told myself that I was just tired of sitting on my lilypad. Waiting for a rescuer. That's how I lost Elody. That's how I lost everything. But I think the truth is that I panicked. At least with Shenhe. Ylfa was going to kill, she's so goddamn brave, and I couldn't just let her be the one who has to be brave for us. Again. So I thought I could beat her to it. I'm a bit ... expendable on the team. Someone was going to come after me eventually. I could do something while I'm still here.
And then we got away with it. And we figured out the more points we had, the more people we could get out, and it'd just be-- I don't know. It felt like a waste to not keep trying. They told us to be prepared to have to make choices. We'd started too late, there would never be a way to get enough points. And so we made the decision. Keep going. They can be angry and alive instead of erased and feeling nothing. But maybe that's just because I'm justifying this to myself. Hurting other people for the people I care about most.
It's the kind of monster you have to be to survive in this world.
no subject
... but killing to protect the many is something I understand well. Maybe it is a little monstrous. But maybe monsters will get more done than chivalry will.
[and because a memshare can do better to explain this than buzen saying anything, this is when a pig rolls around sorry to make you watch sword musical
no subject
Yeah, I'd say you get it.
no subject
and he'll put a hand on gerard's shoulder, still aiming for comforting]
... I do.
And it's why I want to make sure your heart's still intact, even if you feel guilt for what you've had to do. Maybe because you feel it.
Maybe we're just both people trying to justify our choices to ourselves... but everyone has to do that everyday. Especially here. I don't want you to have to carry this weight alone, or bear the burden of everyone's anger by yourself.
no subject
]
no subject
.... we'll get you back to her soon, Ge-san. You and her, and Rin back to Haru-san.
Then maybe... I hope you can find a way to be able to have a more peaceful time together, where you don't have to be pushed so roughly just to survive.
no subject
but yeah. he gets that reaction. same. ]
I think it's coming to the ending of all things, where we're from. So I guess one way or another, it's going to be very peaceful.
no subject
The... memory that got shared, during your last fight with Ylfa-san.
Is that the last thing you remember?
[IT SEEMED A LITTLE WORRYINGLY FINAL]
no subject
[ HE. WAS BUSY DYING AND DIDN'T KNOW THAT. mortifying. partially because its just a very ... harsh picture of himself. letting two children die for him only to pathetically end up killing himself in the struggle too. having to force himself to be brave enough to act. it seems darkly ironic that everyone got a clear image of it in the moment where he'd decided he had to die for two kids instead of the other way around this time.
but, as for Buzen's question. Hm. What are the four most important words? ]
No. That was quite a while ago, actually. [ ... ] I came back. The Fairy with Turquoise Hair put me into another story. Worse.
[ gestures to. frog. ]
no subject
You really hate this form huh, Ge-san.
[a little softly in reflection. though he'll at least mention]
... Though I do think you look a bit different now, since the last I saw you.
no subject
he actually does a sort of laugh at both of those statements - not like meanly. just kind of amused at his own constant shitfit about being a frog, and the idea that he could possibly look any different. but kind of defensively:]
I really was just as handsome as you or Matsui, you know. [ i dont know about THAT. fairytale handsome is different from sword handsome, but ] ... I don't actually hate it. Or, I do. It's -- every day I wake up, and get to see the proof that I fucked up. I ruined true love and I'm still unworthy of it. And it's hard not to see that and hate myself, this form, knowing what it means.
But I think it's made me a better person? I'm stronger. Physically and all. [ a bit of a dark laugh. ] People asked how anyone could possibly beat Shenhe in a fight, and I can tell you that as a Prince I wouldn't have been able to make it three seconds against her. I wouldn't have survived this long without it. And it makes me try harder. People treat you very differently when you're handsome and when you look like a monster. Or I guess see you for what you say, what you do, without the idea that if you're a handsome prince you must surely be good on some level. So, um, in a lot of ways, I wouldn't be who I am without it. I don't like myself a great deal, but at least I know myself now. I don't think I knew him at all, before I started turning back, because I didn't want to. I didn't want to think about it all ever again.
[ `Maybe you were just aware that no matter what you did for the rest of your life, the story people were going to tell about you was that there was a period of years where you were a frog.`
anyway the thing about memshare week (memshare week forever!!!!) is that he doesn't have to ask about his life story if he wants a lil tasty memory snack.]
no subject
but he'll start with taking gerard's hand in his, heedless of the form it's in. it's still a perfectly fine hand to hold.]
.... I'm not quite a blade, but I'm definitely not a human. Sometimes I worry that we deceive people - well, I know that we do. Even when we got here, Matsu and I were just starting to tell people for the first time... and I kept worrying that I'd scare somebody. That they'd see me as a weapon - which I am - but it feels like... I'm not just a weapon anymore. Maybe I never was.
But at least for me... it was nice, when people saw me for all that I am. That I wasn't keeping some important part of mine hidden away. I know you don't have as much of a choice in the matter, and maybe it's a rough reminder... but I hope you at least get the feeling that when people see you for all that you are, they like every part. The prince part, the cursed part, the strong part, and the sad part. It's all Ge-san.
At least for me - I like you. [said not in an particularly dramatic way, but rather a statement of fact] And maybe I don't know you as well as you know yourself yet but... based on everything I do know, I like you. So even if I don't know much about what makes love true... You should know that you are worthy of care and love. People can and will still know you as you are, and love you as you are.
no subject
but you know he gets his hand held (its like. weirdly much drier than normal.) and told that's worthy of love and immediately does have to pull his hand back so he can scrub at his face. frogmotions. i don't know if frogs can cry, but you know. maybe. ]
... Thanks, Buzen. I don't think I've had many friends before, and now I look around and apparently I've got a few of them, and all it took was having to kill a bunch of people.