I spoke to him, and saw him. [she hunches a little, obviously feeling very ashamed right now.] And we were together, but then he started - he had water and poison in his lungs and everything I tried to do, I only made it worse. So I tried something to help him but it wound up working differently than it was supposed to, and he was left behind.
[she looks at him like she's trying to find something in his face or his expression, but whatever she's looking for, she doesn't seem to see it. at least, he can see that she immediately looks withdrawn, a bit wary.]
...Nevermind. It wasn't really that bad, anyway. It was mostly baking.
I mean, sure, I suppose you could probably summarize it that way, like mine was mostly a driving lesson.
[ me, struggling to think of how this duck helps. maybe it waddles over, quacks loudly and then looks extremely fucking adorable. how can ylfa possibly not talk about her feelings when there's a really cute duck here. ]
[...she does look at the cute little duck. it is adorable. that doesn't help so much. but when she looks back over and looks at him again and seems to see whatever it was she was missing before.
at least, he seems like he cares. he seems like he is actually worried, even when she says it's fine. that he can tell just by looking at her that something bad happened to her, even if she hasn't said it. that's the thing she needed to see.]
I know not everything that happens in there is real, but the same thing is true out here. Most of these people aren't real at all. They're just saying the things they're supposed to say.
I'm definitely real! I don't even know what I'm supposed to be saying here, you know. If I was supposed to be saying something, it'd probably be working better.
[she's decided that he is maybe real, which is better than possibly or definitely not.]
Most of the people aren't, though. They're just going "Hey, Ylfa. Thursday, whew, that's bad. Did you get healed? So what happened, anyway. I brought you some treats."
Anyway, Rin seemed way, way more real than them, or you. And I left him there, and he's going to be all alone there, and it's horrible to be alone with nothing but fake people.
[ well that is probably true that they are all saying those things. ]
[ does it help the impression that gerard is real when he looks slightly insulted that ylfa thinks rin is more real than him. i guess that is probably what gerard would normally do. ]
I think sometimes people just don't know what to say, so they try and ask about healing or treats instead.
[ ... ]
But you're here. And we're going to go back for him, even if he is stuck somewhere.
[ i mean, he means it. he's not just saying it either. he really would go with her back into some horrible hellworld to go look for Rin if they think he's actually stuck there and needs help. ]
[she would always dive into the jaws of a giant monster fish to save a friend. but this time, contemplating doing it was a lot.]
...I did some really messed up things. There's something really wrong with me. Like, it was just baking cookies, that's the messed up thing. We really did go to school and we had a club where we could bake cookies and Rin joined the club and he and Amelia were becoming friends and stuff.
It's just that for me, it wasn't like that at all. For me, it was really horrible there. It was all going wrong and glitching and bad things kept happening. Like - like when I was in Auroratory, you know? It kept getting worse around me. But none of them were noticing it.
[she kind of protests something very immediately and then cuts herself off. she knows he only meant to reassure her. just. he's real. he's listening to her. he's not just going to brush her off. she keeps having to remind herself.]
I saw a memory a little like that. But this was like - it was really messed up. I was so sure Amelia wasn't really real. Like - I was trying to talk to her, and my grandma, but it was like...like when we had the Rin hallucination. You could say stuff to them but none of the stuff they said mattered.
Yeah. Or a game, maybe. I could see like...the dialogue people were going to say as they said it.
[she takes a deep breath.]
And there were parts where the hallucination went away. And it was just dark and everything was nothing and I felt like I was nothing for a really long time. And then it would all just come back. I never found out why that was happening and when it came back everyone kept acting normal, like they didn't notice.
[ help they really put this little girl through? hell? help me. gerard is a little stunned to speak for a bit, but then nods and tries to find something comforting to say but then can't think of anything. its kinda too horrible. ]
i rolled a nat 20 at the most opportune time possible. she registers just how fucked up gerard thinks this sounds and is very emotional about it. like extremely relieved. wiping her eyes a little with a paw.]
Yeah. But like, no one else noticed and I'd try to bring it up and they'd be like "are you okay?" but they wouldn't seem to really get it at all. But Rin was real. I could tell he was the only real one. So I was trying to talk to him about it so he'd know I was real, too, but he wouldn't listen to me. He only wanted to talk to Amelia.
...And I got really mad at her. And I figured out I could delete her, so I just did.
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[she is currently wearing a school uniform, sans blazer, that looks a lot like monika's.]
...Gerard, if I tell you something, will you keep it a secret from Haru?
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[ this feels like one of those promises thats going to get him in trouble. ]
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Rin was there, too. And I left him behind. I tried to go back and get him, I really did, but I couldn't find a way.
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You spoke to him? Or just saw him?
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[ he knows she thinks she hurt rin, but he doesn't want her to think that. ]
I'm sure you tried very hard. But I think it wants to hurt you.
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How do you know? How do you know for sure that wasn't the real Rin?
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[ ... ]
It doesn't change the fact we're still working to save him, right? It ... I'm sure it was horrible. I'm sorry.
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...Nevermind. It wasn't really that bad, anyway. It was mostly baking.
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[ me, struggling to think of how this duck helps. maybe it waddles over, quacks loudly and then looks extremely fucking adorable. how can ylfa possibly not talk about her feelings when there's a really cute duck here. ]
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at least, he seems like he cares. he seems like he is actually worried, even when she says it's fine. that he can tell just by looking at her that something bad happened to her, even if she hasn't said it. that's the thing she needed to see.]
I know not everything that happens in there is real, but the same thing is true out here. Most of these people aren't real at all. They're just saying the things they're supposed to say.
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I'm definitely real! I don't even know what I'm supposed to be saying here, you know. If I was supposed to be saying something, it'd probably be working better.
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[she's decided that he is maybe real, which is better than possibly or definitely not.]
Most of the people aren't, though. They're just going "Hey, Ylfa. Thursday, whew, that's bad. Did you get healed? So what happened, anyway. I brought you some treats."
Anyway, Rin seemed way, way more real than them, or you. And I left him there, and he's going to be all alone there, and it's horrible to be alone with nothing but fake people.
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[ does it help the impression that gerard is real when he looks slightly insulted that ylfa thinks rin is more real than him. i guess that is probably what gerard would normally do. ]
I think sometimes people just don't know what to say, so they try and ask about healing or treats instead.
[ ... ]
But you're here. And we're going to go back for him, even if he is stuck somewhere.
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We are? You'll come with me?
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...Okay. I'm not even sure Rin is really in there.
[the fear gripping her was less that he was and more that if he was, she'd have to go after him. she'd just have to.]
Kazuki was the last out, and I really did try to go back for him. I did.
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I believe you. I know you did.
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...I did some really messed up things. There's something really wrong with me. Like, it was just baking cookies, that's the messed up thing. We really did go to school and we had a club where we could bake cookies and Rin joined the club and he and Amelia were becoming friends and stuff.
It's just that for me, it wasn't like that at all. For me, it was really horrible there. It was all going wrong and glitching and bad things kept happening. Like - like when I was in Auroratory, you know? It kept getting worse around me. But none of them were noticing it.
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[ he just wants to try and head THAT off, even though its not going to be easy. ]
You said it had something to with Monika?
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[she kind of protests something very immediately and then cuts herself off. she knows he only meant to reassure her. just. he's real. he's listening to her. he's not just going to brush her off. she keeps having to remind herself.]
I saw a memory a little like that. But this was like - it was really messed up. I was so sure Amelia wasn't really real. Like - I was trying to talk to her, and my grandma, but it was like...like when we had the Rin hallucination. You could say stuff to them but none of the stuff they said mattered.
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[ he'll just follow her head on this one. ]
So a hallucination you were sort of stuck in?
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[she takes a deep breath.]
And there were parts where the hallucination went away. And it was just dark and everything was nothing and I felt like I was nothing for a really long time. And then it would all just come back. I never found out why that was happening and when it came back everyone kept acting normal, like they didn't notice.
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What the fuck.
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i rolled a nat 20 at the most opportune time possible. she registers just how fucked up gerard thinks this sounds and is very emotional about it. like extremely relieved. wiping her eyes a little with a paw.]
Yeah. But like, no one else noticed and I'd try to bring it up and they'd be like "are you okay?" but they wouldn't seem to really get it at all. But Rin was real. I could tell he was the only real one. So I was trying to talk to him about it so he'd know I was real, too, but he wouldn't listen to me. He only wanted to talk to Amelia.
...And I got really mad at her. And I figured out I could delete her, so I just did.
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