I’m allowed to have some time to consider my answer to your existential questions!
[ GEEZ ]
… Anyway, I don’t think I deserved it.
And at the time maybe I did think that, but I don’t anymore.
I think you’re right, that it’s kind of a strange line to try and figure out who deserves pain and suffering and who doesn’t. But as soon as it was done, she came to me and said she regretted it, that revenge doesn’t help or make anyone feel better especially considering I was already contrite and I agreed and we were able to put it behind us. I can take care of myself around these people, and they really are good people. We’re all sort of learning to navigate deeply illogical waters.
I think if you want to be angry with her you can. We’ve- or at least I’ve heard quite a bit about how people are entitled to their anger and emotions, and I think it’s only fair that you are afforded the same grace. But I don’t think you need to be, at least not on my behalf. I’m okay. Really.
[...this does help, actually. enough for her to cool off. she's not even mad at shenhe, really. she's just mad at the idea of gerard, immediately after she had to go through killing him and trying to do it in whatever way would hurt him least, to picture it happening again without her there. it just feels gross and unfair.]
...If I'd died and you were alive, they wouldn't have killed me. They'd have felt too bad. But if they had tried, it would have gone badly for them.
[ that much is probably true, though he had spoken to lambda enough now to think that actually she might enforce this rule even on ylfa but probably most wouldn’t. ]
It would have, you’re very strong. [ … He doesn’t think he should say this next bit either but. ] There was talk of when Simon arrived he might seek revenge and I should consider accepting it, but I’ll be honest that I had no desire to let him hurt me for his own purposes and I really disliked the idea of simply laying down and letting him.
That's stupid. If he wants to try to kill me, he can.
[he can try. anyway she's less mad about the simon thing, since he didn't even do it, than she is at the idea he would have had to just agree to that.]
...I talked to him yesterday. I feel really bad about it all but also I kind of hate him! He kept going on about how it's my fault he killed Fukuzawa so he'd look sympathetic or something and my fault Setsu threw his monkey into lava and my fault Livio and Amelia stopped trusting him. Auuuugh! He doesn't get to kill you too and then be like, it's your fault I did that!
He absolutely cannot and I certainly won’t stand by if he does?
[ ylfa can be all tough but its still fucking gerard up for him to even try it. ]
I don’t think he wants to feel any guilt about it. It’s easier to blame all of us. Maybe it is our faults on some level, but he still made his own choices.
I'd apologize to Yuzuriha, and Netzach, and Livio for that, and I did, and none of them would accept my apology. I'm sure not going to apologize to him for what he did.
[anyway, making a face at that.]
See, you say you wouldn't accept it, but I have to accept stuff? I know things are weird here, but we're about to go back home and if you keep forgetting how things work you're going to get killed by the princesses really fast when you try to fight them all at once instead of letting me do it.
Tell everybody that I'll let stuff go that already happened but if anybody there hurts you again they're going to have to deal with me, too. [don't tell anybody this. it's such a bad idea.] Unless it's just friendly or something or an accident, but you have to be honest with me about that.
I will be honest with you about it. And I’m not going to fight the Princesses all at once! I don’t even know that we’ll need to fight all the Princesses anyway.
Sure, I don’t know the exact mechanics of it, or how possible it really is - but part of the prize of returning to life was getting to pick a point in time within reason. It wouldn’t do much good to go back to the moment before a sword hit, or right before you drowned.
Now the problem is we didn’t actually quite die at that time, so who knows if that changes it, but … I’d think the prize would be the same. We could go back to when we met the Princesses. Try again. Not lose the book to Rapunzel. Take Mira with us. Convince Elody, maybe.
I guess that makes me a little worried about Jack and Henry and Tomas. Like what if something went wrong, and we lost them this time. I think that would be really hard…
[but…]
Overall, I don’t think we could have fucked up with the princesses harder than we did, and I think we had the Jack situation under control, and it would be good if we have the book and the Goose doesn’t have to like, sacrifice itself, maybe…
I just wonder whether if you try to rewrite the story that way you don’t risk making it worse.
[even if she has weird feelings about it. she wants him to convince her. she wants to be wrong, and that it isn't actually so unfair that you can love someone as much as he loves her and for that to mean nothing.]
And - we shouldn't have tried to put Cinderella in the book. And we shouldn't have left Mira there. And I guess we all kind of freaked out that we were wrong about them that we never stopped and considered what specifically they were wrong about. Snow White knew a lot less about all of it than we did, so maybe they just got it wrong at some point.
[ it really is a bit selfishly tied to that desire to try talking to elody again. maybe do it right this time. you almost never get the chance to get a do-over on a conversation you know you fucked up, that could actually change things. maybe that's wrong of him to want that so badly, instead of just continuing to own up to mistakes he's already made. ]
I don't know that we have the whole picture either. And we'll need to do better at convincing them.
[well, it doesn't have to be a do-over in that sense. it isn't some dishonest impulse to try and pick the right dialogue options this time. it's more that he's changed a lot, and wouldn't have done it the same way anymore.]
We don't, but we at least know that you can't just fight them. It's going to have to be something else. And I think we know that it's possible.
but he does feel slightly guilty asking her to trust him, after everything. it's sort of the problem, right, that he hadn't earned any trust of hers and maybe needed to suffer the consequences of that. ]
[no but rosamund at least has the benefit of having spoken to snow white directly and not having an ulterior motive...]
I'm patting you...pat pat.
[it's really okay. she doesn't intend to demand elody trust him.]
I get it. Or - the truth is, I really don't. I don't get why you making a mistake is so bad that she'd trust them more than us.
But I get that she's not just going to hear me talking you up and change her mind about everything from that. But also maybe she doesn't need to change her mind so much as remember that you're not a bad guy and wouldn't lie to her about a bunch of things for no reason.
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no subject
I’m allowed to have some time to consider my answer to your existential questions!
[ GEEZ ]
… Anyway, I don’t think I deserved it.
And at the time maybe I did think that, but I don’t anymore.
I think you’re right, that it’s kind of a strange line to try and figure out who deserves pain and suffering and who doesn’t. But as soon as it was done, she came to me and said she regretted it, that revenge doesn’t help or make anyone feel better especially considering I was already contrite and I agreed and we were able to put it behind us. I can take care of myself around these people, and they really are good people. We’re all sort of learning to navigate deeply illogical waters.
I think if you want to be angry with her you can. We’ve- or at least I’ve heard quite a bit about how people are entitled to their anger and emotions, and I think it’s only fair that you are afforded the same grace. But I don’t think you need to be, at least not on my behalf. I’m okay. Really.
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...If I'd died and you were alive, they wouldn't have killed me. They'd have felt too bad. But if they had tried, it would have gone badly for them.
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It would have, you’re very strong. [ … He doesn’t think he should say this next bit either but. ] There was talk of when Simon arrived he might seek revenge and I should consider accepting it, but I’ll be honest that I had no desire to let him hurt me for his own purposes and I really disliked the idea of simply laying down and letting him.
He didn’t try, for what it’s worth.
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Nothing happened! And to be fair, I wanted to tell Simon it was me. We can have discussions on responsibilities and all but also he is unhinged.
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[he can try. anyway she's less mad about the simon thing, since he didn't even do it, than she is at the idea he would have had to just agree to that.]
...I talked to him yesterday. I feel really bad about it all but also I kind of hate him! He kept going on about how it's my fault he killed Fukuzawa so he'd look sympathetic or something and my fault Setsu threw his monkey into lava and my fault Livio and Amelia stopped trusting him. Auuuugh! He doesn't get to kill you too and then be like, it's your fault I did that!
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[ ylfa can be all tough but its still fucking gerard up for him to even try it. ]
I don’t think he wants to feel any guilt about it. It’s easier to blame all of us. Maybe it is our faults on some level, but he still made his own choices.
no subject
[anyway, making a face at that.]
See, you say you wouldn't accept it, but I have to accept stuff? I know things are weird here, but we're about to go back home and if you keep forgetting how things work you're going to get killed by the princesses really fast when you try to fight them all at once instead of letting me do it.
Tell everybody that I'll let stuff go that already happened but if anybody there hurts you again they're going to have to deal with me, too. [don't tell anybody this. it's such a bad idea.] Unless it's just friendly or something or an accident, but you have to be honest with me about that.
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We might be able to, you know. Go back a little.
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Now the problem is we didn’t actually quite die at that time, so who knows if that changes it, but … I’d think the prize would be the same. We could go back to when we met the Princesses. Try again. Not lose the book to Rapunzel. Take Mira with us. Convince Elody, maybe.
no subject
I guess that makes me a little worried about Jack and Henry and Tomas. Like what if something went wrong, and we lost them this time. I think that would be really hard…
[but…]
Overall, I don’t think we could have fucked up with the princesses harder than we did, and I think we had the Jack situation under control, and it would be good if we have the book and the Goose doesn’t have to like, sacrifice itself, maybe…
I just wonder whether if you try to rewrite the story that way you don’t risk making it worse.
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[ but for real, how could they have fucked up with the princesses harder than they did. it was so bad. ]
I know it's a risk. I think we should take it.
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[even if she has weird feelings about it. she wants him to convince her. she wants to be wrong, and that it isn't actually so unfair that you can love someone as much as he loves her and for that to mean nothing.]
And - we shouldn't have tried to put Cinderella in the book. And we shouldn't have left Mira there. And I guess we all kind of freaked out that we were wrong about them that we never stopped and considered what specifically they were wrong about. Snow White knew a lot less about all of it than we did, so maybe they just got it wrong at some point.
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I don't know that we have the whole picture either. And we'll need to do better at convincing them.
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We don't, but we at least know that you can't just fight them. It's going to have to be something else. And I think we know that it's possible.
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[ this isn't a great plan, considering both of their horrible charisma scores, but maybe together? ]
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I'll help you. But what are we trying to convince her of? To trust us? To trust you? To trust that we have a better plan?
[those are sort of three separate things.]
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[ He'd like her to trust them, and him specifically, but he knows that's an uphill battle. ]
Probably the third one is the best way.
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If it's you, though...
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but he does feel slightly guilty asking her to trust him, after everything. it's sort of the problem, right, that he hadn't earned any trust of hers and maybe needed to suffer the consequences of that. ]
We can try.
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I'm patting you...pat pat.
[it's really okay. she doesn't intend to demand elody trust him.]
I get it. Or - the truth is, I really don't. I don't get why you making a mistake is so bad that she'd trust them more than us.
But I get that she's not just going to hear me talking you up and change her mind about everything from that. But also maybe she doesn't need to change her mind so much as remember that you're not a bad guy and wouldn't lie to her about a bunch of things for no reason.