That makes it sound like it's going to be a while.
[which. it's stupid. ruby basically as much as said it wouldn't all be over on monday. but it's a horrible feeling. it was a horrible weekend. now everyone is here and smiling and acting happy but she doesn't even know if it's going to work, if she did enough. if she was enough. it's unbearable to wait like this and know if she didn't, it's much too late.]
...I hate the idea that it could be too late and I don't even know. And I didn't, I kept messing up! First I didn't even wake up, and then last week all of that stupid - Haru had to do it, and I - I just can't do anything right.
[she really doesn't mean to be doing this, she didn't want to instantly melt down and worry him, but it's so hard when he's here not to just feel it all hit her.]
You were right that people wouldn't want to kill me but that's the only thing I was good for. I couldn't protect Rin, or you, or Haru. And I made Simon hate us and put us all in danger and I - the ice cream plan was stupid - and honestly even then, you guys just told everybody not to hurt our team, so it probably - I should have died, and you should have stayed here and helped Haru.
[ he listens to all of this, but he isn't exactly hearing it beyond where she thinks she kept messing up, that she didn't do anything right, because that's such an impossibility to him. ]
Hey, hey-- Ylfa. [ maybe trying to argue out the logic of it isn't going to be helpful. it's all just anxiety talking. ]
Hugging you, alright?
[ it sounds so stupid, but it's really the best he can do right now. ]
[ he will just rub at his own face for a second. ]
You didn't mess anything up. I'm glad you got to rest last week. You spent all of this time talking to people, making sure they knew what was going on, reading our letters and helping us. That's more important than anything else. We wouldn't have made it without you keeping us together.
... And Simon is a lunatic who keeps spitting on me, don't give his opinions any weight in this.
...Well, I do think he deserves to be mad. But it isn't your fault.
[don't spit on him! though that's also not actually that bad.]
I wouldn't have made it without you, you know. Or - [she has to reconsider that for a second.] - I would have, but in a different way, and I think I like this one better. [in some way she'll find a way to survive any situation if she needs to, but many of those paths are quite dark indeed, and the girl who travels down them isn't the same girl here today.]
He can be mad without killing a bunch of people about it and then trying to blame us entirely instead of owning up to doing it because he wanted to.
[ but he's mostly just grumbling. ]
I know. Me too. [ it isn't that he necessarily thinks his path would be dark, but it would probably be more ... useless. cowardly. more of hiding in the same shadows he always had. ] But I like this one better too.
[ oh boy. well. he isn't sure it's the best idea to talk about all that when it's still like this, even though it's a little better than the texts, but if she's asking he can't really say no. ]
I don't know that it's important, really, but- [ ... a long pause. ] I went on another one of those missions. With Buzen, and Nahida. It didn't go well. But it's alright now.
We were assigned these roles, either something useful, like an engineer, or a doctor. Or one of the Gnosia. Who want to destroy humanity. We would have to vote on who we thought were the Gnosia. But it didn't matter - each time it looped, no matter who or what side won. I'd been everyone. A human, a Gnosia, a monster, it didn't matter. I, um--
Elody was there. Which I know isn't real. I know she's somewhere very far away, and I didn't do anything to her, but [ so the living can't thoughtshare the dead, but the dead sure can thoughtshare the living. so I guess enjoy a brief flashing image - the image of his hand reaching to take someone’s - a woman’s. nails painted green. with the touch her skin peeling back like so much paper to reveal absolute nothingness ] I don't know. Maybe I did.
... I know I didn't. But we kept looping. For a really long time. Eventually, I realized I wasn't human or Gnosia. I was something different. A Bug. I wasn't really supposed to exist, and it didn't matter which side won. If I was still alive at the end, it would destroy the Universe. I would win. So I tricked them both.
I know. She wasn’t there. And she- was never scared of me.
[ somehow its worse, though, that she was was never scared - barely even seemed to acknowledge that he was starting to turn back. at least she’d noticed this time.
why is “you wouldn’t go to space” be the most valid argument against this for some reason it sort of works. he would probably not go to space. ]
Anyway, I’m sorry I tried to destroy the Universe.
I don't see how she could be. [mean? or nice? she means it both ways. he's just kind of a sad boy who loves the people he loves so hard.
anyway that argument worked on haru too it's just obvious that gerard would not go to space.]
...Well. It seems like people can get caught up in that by accident more easily than we thought, so I guess I'll be less mad at her.
[...]
Um. In mine, I - well, I didn't destroy the universe exactly. But I erased everything in it except me and Rin so he'd stop ignoring me, because being there was making me feel crazy, and I just - yeah.
And then I realized the thing wrong with it the whole time was me, and now that it was just us, all I was doing was hurting Rin, too. Like, I couldn't even go near him, or it was just...getting corrupted.
So I tried to erase myself to stop it from happening, but for some reason it didn't work and I was just there by myself in nothing for a long time instead. [...] But not like, for one hundred and fifty years or anything.
[ not even the people who he murdered here are scared of him - so that seems true at least. ]
... I'm sorry. It's awful.
[ it explains a lot about how she was feeling then, though, and he feels terrible for not knowing how to understand it entirely at that point. it certainly feels familiar now. he'll give a small huff of a laugh at the 150 years though, because what else is there to do. ]
It is easier to get caught up in it than you'd think, isn't it?
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[which. it's stupid. ruby basically as much as said it wouldn't all be over on monday. but it's a horrible feeling. it was a horrible weekend. now everyone is here and smiling and acting happy but she doesn't even know if it's going to work, if she did enough. if she was enough. it's unbearable to wait like this and know if she didn't, it's much too late.]
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[ he has no control over the live. but yeah it's a pretty fucking horrible weekend! ]
We'll go home soon.
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You did more than enough, I promise, okay? You already did. I think we just have to wait for a bit.
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[she really doesn't mean to be doing this, she didn't want to instantly melt down and worry him, but it's so hard when he's here not to just feel it all hit her.]
You were right that people wouldn't want to kill me but that's the only thing I was good for. I couldn't protect Rin, or you, or Haru. And I made Simon hate us and put us all in danger and I - the ice cream plan was stupid - and honestly even then, you guys just told everybody not to hurt our team, so it probably - I should have died, and you should have stayed here and helped Haru.
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Hey, hey-- Ylfa. [ maybe trying to argue out the logic of it isn't going to be helpful. it's all just anxiety talking. ]
Hugging you, alright?
[ it sounds so stupid, but it's really the best he can do right now. ]
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[that really is the best they can do. she wipes at her face again, frustrated.]
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You didn't mess anything up. I'm glad you got to rest last week. You spent all of this time talking to people, making sure they knew what was going on, reading our letters and helping us. That's more important than anything else. We wouldn't have made it without you keeping us together.
... And Simon is a lunatic who keeps spitting on me, don't give his opinions any weight in this.
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[don't spit on him! though that's also not actually that bad.]
I wouldn't have made it without you, you know. Or - [she has to reconsider that for a second.] - I would have, but in a different way, and I think I like this one better. [in some way she'll find a way to survive any situation if she needs to, but many of those paths are quite dark indeed, and the girl who travels down them isn't the same girl here today.]
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[ but he's mostly just grumbling. ]
I know. Me too. [ it isn't that he necessarily thinks his path would be dark, but it would probably be more ... useless. cowardly. more of hiding in the same shadows he always had. ] But I like this one better too.
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Will you tell me what happened? The stuff you didn't want to talk about in a letter?
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I don't know that it's important, really, but- [ ... a long pause. ] I went on another one of those missions. With Buzen, and Nahida. It didn't go well. But it's alright now.
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No, I ... thought I was the one to erase it. Have you spoken much to Setsu?
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[that thought he just expressed makes her feel sick to her stomach but she's trying to be a good friend and listen.]
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Elody was there. Which I know isn't real. I know she's somewhere very far away, and I didn't do anything to her, but [ so the living can't thoughtshare the dead, but the dead sure can thoughtshare the living. so I guess enjoy a brief flashing image - the image of his hand reaching to take someone’s - a woman’s. nails painted green. with the touch her skin peeling back like so much paper to reveal absolute nothingness ] I don't know. Maybe I did.
... I know I didn't. But we kept looping. For a really long time. Eventually, I realized I wasn't human or Gnosia. I was something different. A Bug. I wasn't really supposed to exist, and it didn't matter which side won. If I was still alive at the end, it would destroy the Universe. I would win. So I tricked them both.
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[this is so bad and messed up and Gerard doesn’t deserve any of this.]
Elody wasn’t really there. You wouldn’t even go to space. It’s possible Elody would, but she didn’t.
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[ somehow its worse, though, that she was was never scared - barely even seemed to acknowledge that he was starting to turn back. at least she’d noticed this time.
why is “you wouldn’t go to space” be the most valid argument against this for some reason it sort of works. he would probably not go to space. ]
Anyway, I’m sorry I tried to destroy the Universe.
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anyway that argument worked on haru too it's just obvious that gerard would not go to space.]
...Well. It seems like people can get caught up in that by accident more easily than we thought, so I guess I'll be less mad at her.
[...]
Um. In mine, I - well, I didn't destroy the universe exactly. But I erased everything in it except me and Rin so he'd stop ignoring me, because being there was making me feel crazy, and I just - yeah.
And then I realized the thing wrong with it the whole time was me, and now that it was just us, all I was doing was hurting Rin, too. Like, I couldn't even go near him, or it was just...getting corrupted.
So I tried to erase myself to stop it from happening, but for some reason it didn't work and I was just there by myself in nothing for a long time instead. [...] But not like, for one hundred and fifty years or anything.
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... I'm sorry. It's awful.
[ it explains a lot about how she was feeling then, though, and he feels terrible for not knowing how to understand it entirely at that point. it certainly feels familiar now. he'll give a small huff of a laugh at the 150 years though, because what else is there to do. ]
It is easier to get caught up in it than you'd think, isn't it?
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[until sunday, that is.]
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Well, I didn't actually mean to erase the universe!
[but erasing herself didn't feel great, either.]
Anyway, you don't have to worry about that.
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Ah ... then I won't?
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