I don't know that it works that way. Or that it should? I think it's my job to, um, work hard to not let you down or disappoint you. And I will try very hard not to, because I really don't want to.
[ he does, actually for once, believe this. he knows she was just tentatively trying this whole Touch thing again but he will reach over to hug her a bit more tightly for a bit. ]
I'm - I'm going to have to be alone again. I'm just going to have to sit there and I can't even - and everybody will just think it's okay that this is happening.
... Jonas and Alex didn't have to help. And Netzach certainly didn't. Simon even said something. All of Go To Sleep is trying. I think that maybe they're kinder than we give them credit for. It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.
[she didn't mean she doesn't care about them. she actually was surprised how many people care about them enough to try to help them even when their excuse was they had a fro yo party.]
They're good people. Even the ones who didn't help us. Even - she hates us because of Shenhe. I get it. She shouldn't have said those awful things about you. But I get it. And Haru will be here, too.
I didn't mean it like that, it's more - I don't know.
[she means there's a difference between liking people and them being the adult you trust to take care of you. but it's not a feeling she can put into words.
she likes kyoko so much. and she was so, so hurt, in that place. but when it seemed like she might have to go back for kazuki, no one told her she didn't have to if she didn't want to. no one offered to go with her. she can't blame them for that. she's made it quite clear she's independent and doesn't want to be protected and wouldn't agree to leave someone behind.
but it's still nice to have someone who will tell you that you don't have to do it alone if you don't want to. it's so much less painful, to be brave, when you know someone notices how scared you are, is giving you the choice to refuse.]
[ he gets that. its the sort of thing he'd wished he'd had, all those years ago. and he's not good at it necessarily. he gets making mistakes. getting caught, or not saying the right things. still not being brave enough. but trying is better than nothing.
he feels terrible that he has to leave now, and there's really nothing he can do about it. it's why everyone who's ever told him that surely they'll find a loophole, some special way they just hadn't thought of, just looks meek and afraid to him. he gets it. he was the same way, once upon a time. it's trying desperately to find a reason that you don't have to try so hard for yourself.
[this is still so hard, but they decided a long time ago to make it. maybe the fact that they decided to fight for themselves was selfish and maybe it wasn't, but the decision was made and it's too late to take it back. they'll save others, too, if they can, but she isn't leaving her without her team. she's just not. she'd rather be erased.]
...Still. If we have to not see each other for a while, I love you. Thanks for being my friend.
[friend isn't really all there is too it, but it's not an insignificant part, either.]
he doesn't regret the decision. it was better this way. if the heron is going to snap your spine and swallow you whole, it's better to go out facing it than cowering. at least then you see it coming. and she's right. they'll either all come back, or all be erased together. no half measures. ]
I love you too, Red. Thank you for being my friend.
[ it feels ridiculous that true love is somehow only seen as romantic love, when this feels as true as any other. the definition of true love for a fairy is so sterile and cold and rote. but maybe thats the problem. so much doesn't count. its not supposed to be about protecting a family you've grown to need, so, so much, no matter the cost in blood. and it's not supposed to be about loving someone so much, you're willing to turn back into a frog for them, even if it means letting them go. there's nothing to learn from those stories. ]
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You could never disappoint me, either.
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I'm not allowed to disappoint you, but you're allowed to disappoint me?
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Yep. Or, I guess, you're allowed to find me disappointing? If I fuck up. I'm really going to try and not fuck up.
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Well, then, I don't promise not to be disappointed, but you have to believe me when I say you haven't. You really, really haven't.
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[ he does, actually for once, believe this. he knows she was just tentatively trying this whole Touch thing again but he will reach over to hug her a bit more tightly for a bit. ]
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I could tell you not to keep killing, but I think you're going to do it anyway right?
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[ go big or get erased forever i guess. ]
Maybe ... just be careful. If you can.
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[a sort of hoarse answer.]
I'm - I'm going to have to be alone again. I'm just going to have to sit there and I can't even - and everybody will just think it's okay that this is happening.
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... Jonas and Alex didn't have to help. And Netzach certainly didn't. Simon even said something. All of Go To Sleep is trying. I think that maybe they're kinder than we give them credit for. It doesn't have to be perfect to be good.
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[she didn't mean she doesn't care about them. she actually was surprised how many people care about them enough to try to help them even when their excuse was they had a fro yo party.]
They're good people. Even the ones who didn't help us. Even - she hates us because of Shenhe. I get it. She shouldn't have said those awful things about you. But I get it. And Haru will be here, too.
I didn't mean it like that, it's more - I don't know.
[she means there's a difference between liking people and them being the adult you trust to take care of you. but it's not a feeling she can put into words.
she likes kyoko so much. and she was so, so hurt, in that place. but when it seemed like she might have to go back for kazuki, no one told her she didn't have to if she didn't want to. no one offered to go with her. she can't blame them for that. she's made it quite clear she's independent and doesn't want to be protected and wouldn't agree to leave someone behind.
but it's still nice to have someone who will tell you that you don't have to do it alone if you don't want to. it's so much less painful, to be brave, when you know someone notices how scared you are, is giving you the choice to refuse.]
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[ he gets that. its the sort of thing he'd wished he'd had, all those years ago. and he's not good at it necessarily. he gets making mistakes. getting caught, or not saying the right things. still not being brave enough. but trying is better than nothing.
he feels terrible that he has to leave now, and there's really nothing he can do about it. it's why everyone who's ever told him that surely they'll find a loophole, some special way they just hadn't thought of, just looks meek and afraid to him. he gets it. he was the same way, once upon a time. it's trying desperately to find a reason that you don't have to try so hard for yourself.
but haru told him he has to try, so. he will. ]
I'll be back as soon as I can.
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[this is still so hard, but they decided a long time ago to make it. maybe the fact that they decided to fight for themselves was selfish and maybe it wasn't, but the decision was made and it's too late to take it back. they'll save others, too, if they can, but she isn't leaving her without her team. she's just not. she'd rather be erased.]
...Still. If we have to not see each other for a while, I love you. Thanks for being my friend.
[friend isn't really all there is too it, but it's not an insignificant part, either.]
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he doesn't regret the decision. it was better this way. if the heron is going to snap your spine and swallow you whole, it's better to go out facing it than cowering. at least then you see it coming. and she's right. they'll either all come back, or all be erased together. no half measures. ]
I love you too, Red. Thank you for being my friend.
[ it feels ridiculous that true love is somehow only seen as romantic love, when this feels as true as any other. the definition of true love for a fairy is so sterile and cold and rote. but maybe thats the problem. so much doesn't count. its not supposed to be about protecting a family you've grown to need, so, so much, no matter the cost in blood. and it's not supposed to be about loving someone so much, you're willing to turn back into a frog for them, even if it means letting them go. there's nothing to learn from those stories. ]
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...and it works and you have to retcon a lot.]