Why would I have eaten her brain!? Where did that even come from. I didn't even--
[ HE SIGHS. ]
I told her why I was doing this. And she seemed to understand. I think that was part of why I picked her, she's playing the same game we are. So many people here aren't.
And you were right, by the way. We had a secret alliance since week one, where I was going to cover for her and she was going to cover for me. [...] I guess my secret alliance probably should have been with you.
I told her that I ... I know now that people get the messages. And it seems to be the people who, after all, don't want to murder. Who make the choice not to. And the longer we sit and wait, the more likely it is to be one of us. And then the choice is already made for us again - and for what? Less points, probably one or more of us dead. I doubt it would be as simple as me. It is designed to hurt. To push us. I've spent a long time not making any choices of my own, and maybe this was the wrong one. One that caused someone pain, but-- I don't know. At least I made one.
And I know you were thinking about it. More than thinking about it. You were planning to-- I couldn't let myself be a coward, and wait, and hope it worked out. It wouldn't have. I wouldn't have been able to do anything but watch you die, and I can't do that. We have people to get back to. Things we have to do. People to help. Timothy and Rosamud and Pib and Pinocchio-- and Elody. Rin. The world, I guess. I couldn't watch you be brave and not try to be brave myself.
And third, I knew she would make a move at some point. Maybe not against us, but ... people are fooling themselves if they believe her to be a pure soul. That's why I liked her. Her team is fooling themselves a little. I don't know that Vash and Wolfwood even want to come back to life. Her note to Nahri suggests some of the same belief there too. I liked her. I said that already. But I did. She was my friend. So I had to trust that she would understand, when I said all of this, because I didn't want to stab my friend in the back. So I offered her a fair fight. By all accounts she should have won. People aren't wrong about that. I put her to sleep-- I hope ... I hope it wasn't painful. I didn't want it be painful.
[ this is already a lot, but. ]
But I did always want to think, if I had a sword in my hand, and the resolve, I could have killed that heron.
she sits and listens to him. i think there are some parts of this that she doesn't understand and some parts that she understands too well. more than anything, though, she's grateful to him for being honest with her about this.]
Oh, Gerard. You're brave. [she isn't even being facetious or trying to comfort him. if anything, she's touched to realize how much he did it for her. she didn't really realize how he'd feel about it, if she died. she knew he felt like he had to protect her, but she didn't know that it actually mattered.]
I don't think doing what it takes to survive is the same thing as bravery. Maybe it's the opposite of it.
[in a way, they have the same experience, of having to be an animal, make decisions the way an animal would make them. she was taught to be a predator, but the instinct that makes her want to fight is not so different from the one that tells him he needs to hide.]
[ he still doesn't think he's a brave man by any means. he'd made the choice to hurt - kill - someone because he was afraid, and couldn't live with the fear of it, but he doesn't think he's as much of a coward as he used to be either. ]
[he's not brave because he killed shenhe. it's just that she started out with the mindset that she was going to single-handedly fight to save rin, and haru, and gerard, and it was so hard. especially when she failed right away. it didn't matter what anyone said about it, she just felt deep down the same way she felt in the bottleneck of that canyon that it was on her shoulders.
instead, week after week, he's managed to show her that it doesn't need to be that way, enough for her to start to believe it. as bad as this day was, it was so much easier than it would have been if he hadn't been the one to decide what they were going to do. he saved her, the way she's had to tell herself and tell herself she can't rely on anyone else to do.]
I'm - no matter what else, we have the most points. Even if they come for us, maybe we have enough already.
[ that's the point of their little group - their messed up little family - isn't it? that their own stories are so warped and changed, but they can make something different, better out of them. he isn't trying to be a woodsman or a hunter, any type of hero really. he's not even trying to be a prince, anymore. maybe only someone reliable. ]
Right. Okay.
[ he'd asked genuinely and the answer seems to at least bring some comfort. ]
I'd hope so. [...] Man, I just - it's weird. Because there's so many people here I just - I don't know. I want to save them, too, but I don't know how, and I want to ask if they won't fight for themselves then are they just - okay with it if it ends here?
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week 3; saturday
...Hey, so. Did you get a text message? Or did you just decide to?
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No.
[ ... ]
You get more points. If you do it on your own.
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I know. And the amount of points you need to bring someone back is at least one murder. There was never any other way to save Rin.
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[ he sits back. he's probably still sitting down because even if hes not injured he's definitely sore. ]
I told you I spoke to her, right? Shenhe?
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...Yeah. I didn't ask, I guess. But I knew you didn't eat her brain or anything like that.
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[ HE SIGHS. ]
I told her why I was doing this. And she seemed to understand. I think that was part of why I picked her, she's playing the same game we are. So many people here aren't.
no subject
[so he can't fault him.]
And you were right, by the way. We had a secret alliance since week one, where I was going to cover for her and she was going to cover for me. [...] I guess my secret alliance probably should have been with you.
What did you tell her?
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And I know you were thinking about it. More than thinking about it. You were planning to-- I couldn't let myself be a coward, and wait, and hope it worked out. It wouldn't have. I wouldn't have been able to do anything but watch you die, and I can't do that. We have people to get back to. Things we have to do. People to help. Timothy and Rosamud and Pib and Pinocchio-- and Elody. Rin. The world, I guess. I couldn't watch you be brave and not try to be brave myself.
And third, I knew she would make a move at some point. Maybe not against us, but ... people are fooling themselves if they believe her to be a pure soul. That's why I liked her. Her team is fooling themselves a little. I don't know that Vash and Wolfwood even want to come back to life. Her note to Nahri suggests some of the same belief there too. I liked her. I said that already. But I did. She was my friend. So I had to trust that she would understand, when I said all of this, because I didn't want to stab my friend in the back. So I offered her a fair fight. By all accounts she should have won. People aren't wrong about that. I put her to sleep-- I hope ... I hope it wasn't painful. I didn't want it be painful.
[ this is already a lot, but. ]
But I did always want to think, if I had a sword in my hand, and the resolve, I could have killed that heron.
no subject
she sits and listens to him. i think there are some parts of this that she doesn't understand and some parts that she understands too well. more than anything, though, she's grateful to him for being honest with her about this.]
Oh, Gerard. You're brave. [she isn't even being facetious or trying to comfort him. if anything, she's touched to realize how much he did it for her. she didn't really realize how he'd feel about it, if she died. she knew he felt like he had to protect her, but she didn't know that it actually mattered.]
I don't think doing what it takes to survive is the same thing as bravery. Maybe it's the opposite of it.
[in a way, they have the same experience, of having to be an animal, make decisions the way an animal would make them. she was taught to be a predator, but the instinct that makes her want to fight is not so different from the one that tells him he needs to hide.]
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So what do you think? We'll survive now?
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instead, week after week, he's managed to show her that it doesn't need to be that way, enough for her to start to believe it. as bad as this day was, it was so much easier than it would have been if he hadn't been the one to decide what they were going to do. he saved her, the way she's had to tell herself and tell herself she can't rely on anyone else to do.]
I'm - no matter what else, we have the most points. Even if they come for us, maybe we have enough already.
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Right. Okay.
[ he'd asked genuinely and the answer seems to at least bring some comfort. ]
I think we're in the lead. Right now.
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I'd hope so. [...] Man, I just - it's weird. Because there's so many people here I just - I don't know. I want to save them, too, but I don't know how, and I want to ask if they won't fight for themselves then are they just - okay with it if it ends here?
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no subject