[ he does sort of reach up to put a hand over his chest. it's been a lot of reminders of that lately. the sharp cut of an aerosword. a firey, burning weapon. a glass shard through the heart.

but he frowns when buzen suggests having to protect him - not because he doesn't appreciate it, but ... no. he doesn't want that. if they're angry, they can be angry with him. he'd told the others on his team that much. it is his duty to carry that weight, and its theirs to keep moving forward. ]

It's not heroic, or anything. And I think Fukuzawa is right, I'm-- a coward, with weak moral fiber. The Reapers told us that to bring back Rin, we'd have to win, and kill at least one person.

I spoke to Aika and told myself that I was just tired of sitting on my lilypad. Waiting for a rescuer. That's how I lost Elody. That's how I lost everything. But I think the truth is that I panicked. At least with Shenhe. Ylfa was going to kill, she's so goddamn brave, and I couldn't just let her be the one who has to be brave for us. Again. So I thought I could beat her to it. I'm a bit ... expendable on the team. Someone was going to come after me eventually. I could do something while I'm still here.

And then we got away with it. And we figured out the more points we had, the more people we could get out, and it'd just be-- I don't know. It felt like a waste to not keep trying. They told us to be prepared to have to make choices. We'd started too late, there would never be a way to get enough points. And so we made the decision. Keep going. They can be angry and alive instead of erased and feeling nothing. But maybe that's just because I'm justifying this to myself. Hurting other people for the people I care about most.

It's the kind of monster you have to be to survive in this world.